Every Unhinged Thought I Had When I Lost My Luggage on Holiday

“Something you hope to never experience: your baggage gets lost.” So reads the copy on [redacted airline]’s ‘help’ page. The tone, that of a smug, knowing elder, does little to assuage my burning fury.

Though to my surprise—for I am not a woman known to take things in her stride—I’m not all that fussed about my lost luggage. I realise quickly that I am a sheep, and as soon as I discover half the airport has lost their luggage too, a great wave of camaraderie sweeps over me.

“We’re all in this together,” loops around my head like the empty luggage carousel in front of me. I start bandying around the phrase “it’s all grist for the mill!” before explaining to my fellow luggage-less passengers that “I’m a writer, see. In fact, I’m actually on a press trip.”

By the time the rest of my group—held up at border control—join me, I’ve become something of a character in the growing band of travellers who’ve flown in from such exotic locales as Manchester, Dublin, and, to our excitement—as it proves what we’ve long suspected, that this is an airline issue and not the sole reserve of the UK and Ireland—Paris.

Our Parisian traveller is in the country to film Big Fish (an artist I instantly Google—and by Google, I mean Instagram—and discover has 9.5 million followers), who is set to perform at the next day’s marathon. The aquatically named artist is forced to wait for his cameraman, his own luggage stacked neatly beside him: Louis Vuitton, by the look of it. Big fish, indeed.

“It’s all colour for the story!” I proclaim to our ashen-faced PR. By the time she joins, I am already at the 28th stage of grief: group delusion.

Below is (almost) every thought I have before and after.

1. Wait, where’s my suitcase?
2. In fact, where is everyone’s suitcase?
3. No, that’s definitely not the right amount of luggage for a Boeing 787-9.
4. How big is a Boeing 787-9?
5. Did I miss the last snack on the flight?
6. I really need one of those eye masks that say, “Wake me up for food and drink.”
7. At least I have my silk eye mask and anti-malarials. *Frantically checks hand luggage to confirm*.
8. Come on, focus.
9. This must be the most understaffed airport I’ve ever encountered.
10. Why do airlines always make me feel personally responsible for their organisational failure?
11. I wish I had a more recognisable suitcase.
12. I’m taking this really well. Am I a cool girl after all?
13. How long can I feasibly get away wearing this fleece-lined grey jogger set?
14. Do I look like I’m on day release?
15. Is that smell… me?
16. Did I just see someone else’s identical suitcase?
17. Who designs luggage tags that tear off at the exact moment you need them?
18. Is this what it feels like to be in a low-budget spy movie?
19. Should I be concerned that I’m already mentally planning my “lost luggage” Instagram story?
20. If I tag the airline, will they give me preferential treatment?
21. What did I even pack?
22. Of course I lost my luggage in an airport with not a single shop.
23. Wait, where am I going to buy new clothes? And pants? And socks? And a toothbrush?
24. Do I have anything at all in this carry-on?
25. Why did I bring three cameras with three different chargers instead of anything vaguely useful?
26. I wonder what that mob of sweat-slicked Brits is kicking off about. *Joins mob*.
27. These are my people.
28. £400 allowance per day, you say? Maybe this will be the making of me.
29. Oh, so that’s totally unconfirmed?
30. Has anyone actually spoken to anyone from the airline?
31. How do I even speak to someone from the airline?
32. This queue is a hotbed of misinformation.
33. But if there’s one thing Brits do well, it’s queue.
34. Why is that French man pushing to the front? Somebody stop him!
35. What a bunch of lily-livered cowards.
36. We’re never getting our luggage back.
37. I can’t remember a time in my life before this airport.
38. I feel like Tom Hanks in The Terminal.
39. I wonder if my luggage is in a better airport than this one.
40. So this is why people buy AirTags.
41. I just knew this would happen.
42. Is my suitcase going to hit “40 countries before 40” before I do?
43. So my packing style is “emotional,” I always wondered.
44. Will this finally teach me the virtues of minimalism?
45. I’m going to invest in a capsule wardrobe courtesy of KLM.
46. Why is my hotel suddenly less appealing without my holiday outfits?
47. Philosophical questioning of life choices.
48. I think I’ll check the baggage carousel one last time.
49. This airline attendant says she’s here to help, but her face says otherwise.
50. Oh, she works for the airport, not the airline.
51. Does anyone work for the airline? Clearly not the baggage handlers.
52. Phew. The bags will be on the next flight.
53. The next flight is in three days?!
54. I can’t believe I stood in this queue for over an hour only to be directed to an online form.
55. *Phone pings*. Thank you, KLM, for letting me know my luggage missed its connection—10 hours ago.
56. I still can’t believe there isn’t so much as a duty-free shop.
57. I’ve been thinking about this all wrong. I get to shop on someone else’s dime. This is basically Supermarket Sweep.
58. I’ll be the judge of what counts as an “essential item.”
59. Get in, Loser, we’re going shopping.

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