We hear you, Sofia Vergara...
As Sofia Vergara admits that she 'bleeds' after red carpet appearances because of all the 'armour' holding up her '32DDD stripper boobs', we can’t help but acknowledge that the sartorial struggle is real. Let us count the ways…
Buttoned shirts look full-to-burst… Ahhh button gape. That inconvenient peephole that usually appears in the middle of a really important meeting and is the fashion equivalent to having something stuck in your teeth. This first problem is a biggie.
Bras cost a fortune… Seriously, at least £15 more than the small ones. And they’re not all pretty and lacy and sexy like the AA cup designs. They have ultra wide beige straps like your grandma’s. Unfair.
Loose tops make you look pregnant…
Your side profile game is ruined the second you slip on a baggier top. No one can tell that you’ve got rock hard abs when there’s a waterfall of fabric flowing over from the cliff edge.
Long necklaces get lost in the canyon…
#JewelleryFails
Strapless tops do not hold up…
Hoiking, verb, is the action of repeatedly pulling one’s top up, over and over again until you get red chaffing marks under your armpits or just give up and let it all hang loose. Anyone who ever thought big boobs would ‘be better’ at holding a top up was severely mistaken.
Blazers and turtleneck jumpers were both not made for bangers…
But empire lines are the worst. Bridesmaid dress shopping with BFFs from the Itty Titty Committee is difficult to say the least.
Every low cut top is a sexy one…
Even if it really, really wasn’t meant to be.
Bikini shopping is an ordeal...
No top and bottom combos ever fit and there’s so much cleavage that you look like you’re on a busty ladies calendar shoot. Sigh.
Doubling up on sports bras is a very real thing…
Because frankly, otherwise, it’s a knockout.
Going braless? Forget about it…
Low back tops? Delicate lace? SS16’s camisole obsession? All out of the question unless you’re happy to bounce freely or, shudder, don one of those clear plastic strap devices.
Size really matters…
Your skirt is a 10 but you have to buy two sizes bigger up top to accommodate your ample chest. If you could just mummify your assets for a minute, however, you're actually an 8 all over and that’s a fact worth acknowledging, right?