'Much like millions of people across the UK, I work two jobs. One is your typical office nine-to-five at a web agency, and the other is testing male sex toys for Ann Summers.'
‘At my day job, most of my colleagues are male; or to put it more accurately, a bunch of ‘lads’. Straight dudes who like the gym, FIFA and top-quality, edgy banter about sex. Whilst, they’re all healthier and better at FIFA than me, their ‘bedroom knowledge’ honestly comes across as pretty lacking.
Mentions of sex toys in particular inspire endless giggles and once they found a butt plug shaped like a Garden Gnome online and that kept them occupied for weeks. I can’t bring myself to tell them about my second job because they’d have so many questions that their brains might implode.
This is a common thing for blokes. My female friends generally have a pretty good working knowledge of things that vibrate and how to use them to get off; it’s just a fact of life.
Although, for most guys, toys are still a weird, forbidden taboo. Male toys are something to laugh about, buy as a gag gift for a mate or to recoil in horror when they find in their girlfriend’s bottom drawer. Not something to use yourself. No sir!
I mean, it’s understandable, as I didn’t start using toys for a long time.
For us guys, you usually don’t need much more than the endless amounts of free porn available on the internet and your own two hands; even one will usually do the trick. Does a rubber vagina make me a sofa-masturbating loser? Does a butt plug make me gay? Our male insecurity truly knows no bounds and that’s all it is, insecurity.
Toys are great and there’s nothing to worry about.
I think cock rings are definitely the most ubiquitous male sex toy, right? I mean, you can buy them in vending machines in your average pub toilet, after all. My advice is…don’t.
The point of a cock ring is to make the man harder and to help him maintain the erection as it keeps blood flowing to the all the right places. Using one totally doesn’t mean you’re impotent and they actually do make sex last longer and feel more intense, even if you would usually get on fine without one. And let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want that?
Fake vaginas are weird. Let’s discuss.
Aaah, the Fleshlight. Probably the most notorious of all male toys and one that the lads in my office definitely know the name of. The Fleshlight is a brand name, but there are a bunch of different options for fake vaginas out there.
I completely sympathise with anyone who thinks buying a rubber vagina that’s moulded on a porn star’s body parts and comes in a ‘subtle’ fake torch is inherently sleazy, because it is a bit.
The key is to do some research and choose one that suits you. The minimal design of the Elysium is my personal favourite and they’re actually pretty intense.
The good thing about male masturbators are that they can help build up stamina like Rabbits do for women.
Although, I’m not going to lie – hanging up a realistic fake vagina to dry in your bathroom really does feel weird.
So, next, let’s just get this out of the way, because I know it’s a big deal for some guys; liking things in your butt does not make you gay. Men can try a strap-on with your girlfriend or a vibrator on your own and your heterosexuality will remain intact.
There are a lot of toys out there for dudes to put up their butts. Initially it will take some practice to work his way up to it because it’s a kind of pleasure that you just won’t have experienced before.
Butt plugs are fun and pretty kinky and he will honestly come harder with one in.
The male prostate is sort of the male equivalent of the G-spot, in that if you stimulate it with something that vibrates, it feels really intense. Massagers are soft and flexible enough to hit the spot and stay in comfortably for as long as you need.
And, thought vibrating wands were just for women? Well, my Climax wand is honestly the best toy I own. It looks beautiful, it has a ridiculous amount of speeds and vibration patterns (the highest speeds are so intense they might actually hurt, so be careful) and it feels absolutely unbelievable on the underside of your head.