The struggles of having big boobs in the summer

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  • Boob sweat is a very real problem

    Whining about having big boobs might sound like complaining your mansion is too big, but the truth is, big boobs aren’t always all they’re cracked up to be. Take it from someone who knows.

    I’m a 34F, which means living in a world of ugly bras and low-level back pain. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of great stuff about being busty. If you’re in the mood to look traffic-stoppingly sexy then it’s awesome, and when you’re a teenager trying to get hold of a bottle of Smirnoff Ice, it’s super helpful. But if you want to go jogging without getting street harassed, or wear underwear that doesn’t use actual architectural scaffolding? You’re out of luck.

    Being busty is actually a logistical nightmare, and never is that more true than in the summer. All across the winter your thick bra straps can comfortably hide under jumpers and long sleeved dresses. But as the sun comes out, so does our flesh, and those of us who are overtly endowed up top begin three long months of suffering.  

    Boob sweat is a very real problem
    It’s impossible to explain boob sweat, unless you’ve experienced it. But basically, when your boobs sit next to each other all day you get a lovely cleavage sweat going on, which will ruin any attempt at fake tan you might dare to make. And if you go bra-less? Boob sweat will punish you brutally, making sweat patches on your top and driving you mad all day.

    People who design summer dresses seem to hate you

    Summer generally brings the dream of floating around in a strappy summer dress and sandals like a French screen siren alive. But for some of us, throwing on a sun dress isn’t a whimsical sartorial choice, it requires days of planning. Have you got the strapless bra out? Do you want to wear it badly enough to be uncomfortable all day? Will the day’s activity involve any kind of jumping or running… ? If the stars don’t align perfectly, then you’re looking at a day of pulling at your dress, dragging the straps back up, hitching up your strapless bra and wishing you’d stayed at home in your pyjamas.

    Bikinis are tricky customers
    There seems to be some kind of myth amongst swimwear designers, that once you go above a D cup, women lose the desire to look pretty on the beach. Your small-chested friends will be scampering around in pretty two-pieces with strategic cut outs and bow details. As for the rest of us? Well, if you want something heavy duty, dark coloured and full cut? You got it. Flirty, strappy and sexy? Dream on.

    Buttons? Hah.
    Thought you could wear something that buttoned down the front? Fool. You will now spend the entire day pulling at the front of your shirt, worrying that the buttons are going to slip open and hoping that no-one can see through the gape between buttons. If you’re really determined to wear a button down, you can invest in all sorts of gizmos to close the gap, but it’s so much effort it kind of takes the shine of wearing a cute shirt dress.

    Everything looks sexy
    Doesn’t sound like a real problem, does it? But try getting dressed for the office. Or someone else’s wedding. Or school. Things that would look sweetly demure on other women, suddenly look a bit certificate 15 when you pull them over a full bust. Even people who are usually polite seem to struggle not to look, and having people stare at your chest all day isn’t the best.

    On the upside, lots of this summer’s looks are actually pretty bra friendly, with seventies style bell sleeves and v-necklines trending, because we’ll bloody well conquer summer dressing, one way or the other.

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