The 28 Quotes Of 2013 That Made Us Laugh and Cringe

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  • A big thank you to all the celebrities out there who kept us laughing (intentionally and not so intentionally) all year long...

    1. ‘I played a lawyer in a movie so many times I think I am a lawyer. And clearly I’m not a lawyer, because I got arrested.’ We’d let you represent us Reese Witherspoon.

    2. ‘We don’t want anyone to know I eat. Why ruin that?’ Victoria Beckham doesn’t want to kill the illusion.

    3. ‘I have no clue [why people say I’m insane]. Every time I’ve heard it, it came from an ugly person’s mouth, so I don’t care.’ Whatever gets you through the day Amanda Bynes.

    4. ‘I never said that [Adele] was fat. I said that she was a little roundish; a little roundish is not fat… But after that she lost eight kilos so I think the message was not that bad.’ Karl Lagerfeld eats his words – well, kind of…

    5. ‘I’m offended by that because first of all, and this is going to sound arrogant, but my presence is charity. Just who I am. Just like Obama’s is. Obama provides hope.’ If you say so Jay Z…

    6. ‘No one is talking about the man behind the ass. It was a lot of “Miley twerks on Robin Thicke”,’ but never, “Robin Thicke grinds up on Miley”. They’re only talking about the one that bent over. So, obviously there’s a double standard.’ Fair play, Miley Cyrus.

    7. ‘I can’t blow my nose. I’ve never learned how.’ Aww Joey Essex – we really don’t know what to say…

    8. ‘Imagining the overthrow of the current political system is the only way I can be enthused about politics.’ Russell Brand fancies himself as the next Che Guevara.

    9. ‘Justin Timberlake. Nineties Justin Timberlake, though… like, ‘N Sync Justin Timberlake. I remember when I bought the ‘N Sync CD and I was listening to it and flipping through it – remember how CDs had the pullout picture things? – and I was getting so overwhelmed with hormones that I almost threw up.’ Jennifer Lawrence’s first crush experience was quite similar to our own.

    10. ‘Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber.’ Justin Bieber leaves us lost for words after a visit to Anne Frank’s house. 

    11. ‘Me?! The way I live my life, I’m two drinks from being in the tabloids every day. I’m no national treasure. I’m a f***ing dutty rude boy!’ Idris Elba is no angel.

    12. ‘Most people don’t know that I invented the selfie.’ Paul McCartney adds a new accolade to his long list of achievements .

    13. ‘I’m totally weird, and I’m totally honest, and I’m totally inappropriate sometimes. But for me to say I wasn’t a genius, I’d be totally lying to you and to myself.’ Kanye West is totally modest, as always.

    14. ‘I’ve met some serious aliens in my life, for sure. I’m sure you’ve seen a UFO. Haven’t all of us seen something flying in the sky, and it’s at some random time of night that doesn’t make sense, and it’s not the shape of a plane? I don’t know if I’d go with an alien to space. I would have to feel the alien’s vibe. I’m a vibe person.’ Of course you are, Alicia Keys.

    15. ‘What we’ve said to the girls is, “If you guys ever decide you’re going to get a tattoo, then Mommy and me will get the exact same tattoo in the same place. And we’ll go on YouTube and show it off as a family tattoo”. And our thinking is that might dissuade them from thinking that somehow that’s a good way to rebel.’ We like President Obama’s parenting style.

    16. ‘It’s not even politeness. I won’t allow you to be my b****es. I think it sets feminism back so many notches. You are… Cumberpeople.’ Benedict Cumberbatch is such a gentleman.

    17. ‘Without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus. I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.’ Michael Douglas gives us a little bit too much information about his throat cancer diagnosis.

    18. ‘I think Rihanna always looks so fresh and I’m like, “How do you do that? We all know how much pot you smoke!”‘ Say it like it is, Katy Perry.

    19. ‘When I saw him (Prince George), he was crying, which is just like all babies. It’s fantastic to have another addition to the family. I only hope my brother knows how expensive my baby sitting charges are!’ We wish we could hire Prince Harry to hang out with us…

    20. ‘How come when Kanye acts like an idiot he gets a gold record, but when I act like an idiot, I get a police record?’ Life just isn’t fair, is it Lindsay Lohan?

    21. ‘I was the Justin Bieber of the ’70s. Really. Ask your mother.’ Barry Manilow wants everyone to know that he was a really big deal (once).

    22. ‘I am a child of former slaves who had a system imposed on them. I had an economic system imposed on me. Someone did the math, and it came to around $600 million. And I sit here before you trying to figure out how to pay a tax debt? If that’s not like enough to slavery, I don’t know.’ We’re not sure we follow your logic Lauryn Hill…

    23. ‘I can’t be focused on wife-ing someone that young. I need to be the best Chris Brown I can be.’ We’re not sure it’s working yet, Chris Brown… But we are glad you and Rihanna are no more.

    24. ‘The things that they’re rejecting are things that I can’t change. I can’t change my bra size. They’re natural!’ Kate Upton defends her assets.

    25. ‘What is the best thing about not having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law? I don’t have to play grab ass under the table on Easter Sunday.’ Eek – was that totally necessary Nick Lachey? 

    26. ‘If you can’t joke about the most horrendous things in the world, what’s the point of jokes… humour is to get us over terrible things… that’s why you should laugh at funerals.” Hmm, really Ricky Gervais?

    27. ‘If I could be somebody, it’d definitely be Brad Pitt. I love the way he looks.’ You’re not too shabby yourself, Ben Affleck.

    28. ‘The crazy thing is, I never knew that a wiener could actually make me nauseous.’ Jessica Simpson is not a fan of wieners.

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