From the non-humble bragger to the serial ranter, we won't judge you for having a Facebook friendship cull.
Little Miss Raincloud
You’ll recognise her from all the sad-face emoticons and #FML status updates. Most likely to be found posting public rants about late trains, broken phone screens and everything else that’s got up her nose today. Least likely to find her #feelingblessed. About anything. Generally responsible for ruining the feng shui of your timeline with an endless stream of negativity. Do not ‘like’, do not comment, just hide.
Sample status: ‘Damn alarm didn’t go off! Late for work AGAIN! Oh and guess what? My train just got cancelled! Sucks to be me right now. #FML’
Desired response: ‘sending hugs hon.’
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She’s the practical but lazy type, so instead of working out the logistics of something for herself, she’ll spew out a request on Facebook and let her minions (read: ‘friends’) do the hard work for her. A typical post will always end in a question mark, or three, depending on how desperate she is for a particular answer. Traditionally found asking: where’s the party tonight? Anyone have an iPhone for sale? Who knows what time Topshop opens? To which we would like to suggest: Google it, girlfriend.
Sample status: ‘Anyone know a good plumber?? Inbox me!’
Desired response: Links, links and more links. Who said research was time-consuming? Pah!
You know those personal baby diaries that people used to buy as gifts for new parents to privately document every cough, splutter and first lock of hair that their new bundle of joy emits? Yeah, they don’t exist anymore. Instead, we ALL get to find out the precise moment Tina from school’s toddler took its first steps, whether we care or not (lucky us!). Most likely to be found updating everyone on the consistency of said baby’s nappy, or the number of hours’ sleep they did/didn’t get last night.
Sample status: ‘Maybelline slept for four hours straight last night! Yay, I think we have a breakthrough! #happymamma’
Desired response: ‘YOU ARE OFFICIALLY THE BEST MUM IN THE WHOLE WORLD EVA (better than all the other losers on here). The end.’
Little Miss Sunshine
Life is just one big Earlybird Instagram filter for this lucky lady, who only posts her most flattering, highly Photoshopped selfies. Most likely to be found checking-in at the BA first class lounge or sending a hot dog legs selfie from the beach in St Lucia. It makes zero difference that you know from your recent chats down the pub that she’s facing redundancy/getting sick of her boyfriend/feeling the winter blues, but will her Facebook friends ever know about it? No siree. Everything is just GRAND here! Prepare to be tagged in a photograph where everyone else has one eye closed or is scratching their nose. No matter though, because she looks fabulous.
Sample status: ‘Soooooooo in love with my new Hermes bag that my lovely boyfriend bought me. Love that boy! #feelingblessed
Desired response: Practising the pout, praying for likes.
She’s got something to say, and she really means business, but she’s certainly not going to just come out and say it. Why would you, when you can create ten times more allure (read: drama) by being mega-cryptic about it? You’ll spot her by her passive aggressive tones – ‘oh, if only a certain someone would keep her nose out of my business. Grrrrrr. Anyhoos, have a great day everyone!’ Meanwhile, ‘certain someone’ carries on their day not remotely giving a damn. Most likely to be found sharing her non-news by saying a lot, but actually nothing at all.
Sample status: ‘Today’s the day! Think I might explode keeping this news to myself…. EEK!’
Desired response: ‘ooooh do tell…’
Black Friday 2021
The Charity Chugger
The Bob Geldof of your Facebook feed is running her fifth marathon/walking to China and back/digging a hole in Africa. And she wants your money NOW! Not only do her endless charitable pursuits make you feel decidedly inferior on a daily basis, usually while you’re sitting on the sofa in your onesie with a box of Maltesers on your lap, but she’s also costing you a small fortune by tagging you personally in her heart-wrenching appeals for cash, publically shaming you into stumping up yet another fiver that you don’t have.
Sample status: ‘Jennifer just ran six miles with Nike Plus #smashedit (sponsor her ultramarathon here…)’
Desired response: ‘Wowsers, you’re my hero!’ Now, pass the Maltesers.