As Tesco Gets Rid Of The Curved Croissant, We Pay Tribute

An Ode to the Curved Croissant

In a move that has left us shocked, confused and distressed, Tesco have decided that they will no longer be selling their croissants curved. 

Do you need a minute to gather yourself before continuing? By all means, please do. 

The supermarket giant, of ‘stock ‘em high, sell ‘em cheap’ infamy has ceased selling the curved croissant highly and cheaply because of customers’ complaining about the limited ‘spreadablity’ the crescent shape caused.

Tesco main man, Harry Jones said: 'At the heart of the move away from curved croissants is the "spreadability" factor.

'The majority of shoppers find it easier to spread jam, or their preferred filling, on a straighter shape with a single sweeping motion.'

While we admit, there is nothing worse than having your jam spreading wings clipped, we feel Tesco are being slightly melodramatic here. It’s a bit like the time a lunch guest gently suggested our roast potatoes were ‘slightly too generously seasoned’ and we got sensitive and flustered, binning them all before anyone else could try them. 

Now that we’ll only be able to purchase our croissants in straight form from Tesco, we’d like to pay ode to the dear curved croissant and give her some much needed PR. 

So please let us share why the shapely, flaky, baked good will always be better in a fuller form.

It adds to the continental feel of the eating experience

Oh eating a croissant is quite fancy you must admit. When you’ve been raised on marmite on toast and own-brand cornflakes covered in sugar, the novelty of being an adult and having something Francais for breakfast – or brunch, really is quite something. The curve just adds to the exotic touch. 

It makes for a better tea dipping shape

The ends provide small handles to you can dip the body of the croissant into your tea and not risk a steam burn.

You can pretend it’s a telephone. To be totally frank, if you eat curved croissants and have not once pretended it's a phone, then we don't understand you.

You can pretend it’s a horn

Yes we do quite to hold it to our mouths and make a ‘doo-do-la-dooo’ sound, like we’re going to battle.

Or smiley lips…

Aww.

Or the moon at quarter crescent.

Everyone loves the night sky.

If you have two, you can pretend you’re a ram

But do be careful, you don’t want table manners to slide too much.