The 9 very real stages of having an almighty hangover at work

Because there's no suffering quite like it

The only thing worse than a hangover is a hangover at work. In fact, we don’t think it’s a melodramatic statement to say that experiencing a work hangover is like taking a day trip to hell and discovering a chamber inspired by the emotional and physical distress we go through when hanging in the office.

And because we’ve spent years not learning from our mistakes, we are now well versed in what we like to call, The Nine Stages of a Work Hangover.

1. Still Drunk

Now here’s the thing with being hungover at work, you get to experience earlier dimensions of the hangover that you miss at the weekends because you have the luxury of sleeping through.

When you arrive at work at 9:30am, you believe you’ve got lucky. That you managed to go out drinking all night, have three hours of broken sleep, yet somehow feel fresh and fabulous. You’re the most motivated, enthusiastic and overly friendly person in the office. Life is great! Who knew that Berroca was much a miracle worker?!

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2. What Have I Done?

What goes up, must come down, it’s like science. And as the last of the previous night’s alcohol wears off, you feel yourself crashing down to earth with the force of eight wine bottles. You feel stupid, you feel self pitying, you feel regretful, but most of all you feel sick. Very, very sick.

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3. Paranoia

Everyone can smell the alcohol seeping from your skin. Those bloodshot eyes are scaring people, and the person on the phone thinks you’re a man because your voice has dropped 4 octaves. Then your boss takes a call her office and you know she’s on the phone to HR because you’re about to be sacked for being this hungover at work.

Oh, but you’re not paranoid though.

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4. Anger

CAN EVERYONE PLEASE STOP SPEAKING SO LOUDLY? WHO’S DRUMMING THEIR FINGERS ON THE TABLE? DID I TELL YOU TO LEAVE MY COFFEE THERE? AND NO I HAVEN’T SENT LAST MONTH’S INVOICES TO FINANCE, YOU NAGGING BORE.

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5. Lunch

You haven’t felt this positive since you arrived at work this morning still in the throes of intoxication.

You dash out to lunch at 12.53, order a steak bake, pizza slice, mac n cheese and some cheesy fries, and cover them in ketchup. You follow this with a can of coke, mars bar and pickled onion Monster Munch. You’re a brilliant adult.

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6. Exhaustion

You know when pop stars cancel shows because of ‘exhaustion’? You so get that now. You are exhaustion personified. You are so tired that even the bags under your eyes are too heavy for you to carry. You crawl under your desk to take a stealthy nap but once on the floor you forget why you’re there. You’re so confused. So tired, and so very, very, confused.

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7. Tears

It’s been a very long day. The world is against you and Lorraine in finance just phoned down to say you’d put all the wrong dates on the spreadsheets, and no she won’t correct them herself. This is too much. Life is cold and cruel and punishing you for having fun on a school night. You go into the toilet and cry.

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8. Hope

It’s 4.48, in 42 minutes this day will be over. You will be free to go home and eat carbs in bed while watching Netflix. You add an extra buzz to the Hope stage by telling yourself you’ll order a takeaway as an ‘I survived today’ award.

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via GIPHY

9. The Pub

Because you never learn.

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Happy hangover...