So exactly who you can expect to run into this Freshers' Week...
Freshers’ week is approaching for thousands of new students. It’s a week synonymous with shiny halls of residence, regretful hook-ups, copious amounts of alcohol, and friendships quickly forged and just as swiftly forgotten.
For anyone off to university this month, here’s a round-up of exactly who you can expect to meet this freshers’ week. And for those of us who’ve been there, done that, lets for a minute just nostalgically reflect (and cringe) on that week of hedonistic pre-graduation innocence.
This guy has spent the first eighteen years of his life playing rugby, shooting pheasants, and being told he’s going to be the next Prime Minister. He owns a pair of red trousers and laughs like a braying donkey. He’ll claim to have read Birdsong aged seven, and casually mention in your first English Lit seminar that Sebastian Faulks is a family friend. University is just a pit-stop of partying in between Eton and cashing in the family hedge fund for this guy. Get ready to hear how he single-handedly saved a village from flooding during his gap year in India.
The Peaked-Too-Soon Party Animal
This person missed the formative years of underage drinking, where you get your very worst inebriated episodes out of the way in your local park. Consequently, they just can’t wait to get ON IT tonight. They’ll turn drinking games into an Olympic sport and down a two-litre bottle of cider before you can say ‘white lightning’. They’ll also be the first to pass out in their own bodily fluids before you can say ‘taxi’s here!’
The Slightly-Too-Keen One
This girl will wear butterfly clips, blue eyeliner and an ill-fitting denim skirt. She’ll pester you with constant ‘what are you up to today/tonight/tomorrow?’ She’ll find out your favourite chocolate bar and buy you a multi-pack. And she just can’t believe you have the same favourite band! At first you’ll be kind, then you’ll find out she’s been buying everyone else chocolate bars as well. When she starts turning up to parties in the same outfit as you, start plotting your escape.
The Fake Friend
This is the girl you’ll really click with on day one. You’ll call your mum and enthuse how ‘Issy is just so nice – and we have so much in common! What are the chances that we were put in the same halls?’ You’ll already be picturing the nights out and hungover mornings you’ll bond over in the next few weeks. Then she’ll suddenly stop walking to lectures with you, and start ignoring your whatsapp messages. And that guy you’ve been lusting after? She’s got him firmly in her sights. It won’t take long until you realise that you and Issy have absolutely nothing in common, except a by-now mutual dislike of each other.
You may not even be sure this one exists. The only evidence will be a milk carton marked with their name in the fridge, which slowly acquires a bad smell over the coming weeks. Dirty plates will appear in the kitchen from nowhere, and very occasionally you’ll hear what sounds like their door opening and shutting. Just like a four-leaf clover, if you manage to spot them count yourself lucky.
The Eternal Student
This guy just can’t stay away. First he failed economics, then he decided to try chemistry, now he’s in his second year of biology. He’ll be a seasoned student by now and claim to have no interest in partying – but for some reason will still be living in halls. Always eager to dish out advice to new students, take it with a hefty pinch of salt.
The Society Enthusiast
This girl’s one ambition in life is to become the head of Drama Soc, and she spends every waking moment promoting her play, rehearsing her play, and pestering you to buy tickets. In a moment of weakness you signed up to her mailing list and now can’t escape the madness. Never make the mistake of going along to a show just to appease her – it will only encourage her. Better to pretend you’re far too passionate about your work with Hist Soc to devote any time to Drama – she’ll recognise a kindred spirit and leave you be.
The Hot One
This is the guy in your halls that you maybe fancy. Ok, definitely fancy. You resolve to play it cool and remain aloof. Three shots of vodka later you decide playing it cool is overrated and join the queue of other would-be admirers. But beware, there are endless reasons he is not a good idea; the first being he’s probably secretly lining up all your fellow house-mates.
The Good Ones
For all the fake friends, society enthusiasts and ‘ladsladslads’ you’re confronted with as freshers, there’ll be twice as many fabulous life-long friends thrown into the bag. Get ready to share some of your best, worst, and most life-affirming moments together. Happy Freshers Week!