Stunning

‘Dear Miss Rains, we have just been instructed on a STUNNING one-bedroom garden flat, which needs to be seen, to be believed…’

This is the beginning of a very true rental story, which as of yet, has not had a happy ending. The property in question, which was ‘just a short stroll’ from the bustling cultural hub of central London (Leyton), was in fact a dank basement flat that would have been stunning if I was a mutant turtle called Michelangelo and frequented the sewers, but to be fair to them, it did have some outside slabs leading up to the front door. So yeah, it was a garden flat.

Estate agents like to spew out hyperbolic lingo like nobody’s business, so to help you navigate the minefield that is the property market, we’ve decoded the most ‘popular’ verbal tricks of the trade to give you a head start. God knows, in the current state of the rental market, we need all the help we can get

Bijou

Bloody tiny. But they’ve said it in French, so it’s trés chic, non?

Cosy

Usually applied to a studio flat. You can shower, whilst sat on the toilet, whilst watching TV…
So cosy, right?  

Compact

Same as above, but throw in an extra tenant.

Light and airy

You’re actually bidding for a car parking space.

Convenient for transport links

As in, there are actually transport options available. If you have a car.

Perfect for a first time buyer

First time buyer = you’re lucky you’re even in this position so you get what you’re given.
 

Easily-maintained garden

Concrete slabs.

Sought-after area

You won’t be able to afford it.

No photo available

Lol.

Period property

This is haunted. And/or has dreadful carpet.

Within walking distance

Never trust this vague description. Anywhere is within walking distance if you can walk.

Put your own stamp on it

It’s a wreck. Get Kevin McCloud on the blower.

Viewing recommended

Because the pictures all look crap.

Three-bedroom property

Bedroom two is a bathroom, bedroom three is the airing cupboard.  

Full of history

Someone died here.