15 of the most annoying (& cryptic) estate agent phrases, decoded

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  • Stunning

    ‘Dear Miss Rains, we have just been instructed on a STUNNING one-bedroom garden flat, which needs to be seen, to be believed…’

    This is the beginning of a very true rental story, which as of yet, has not had a happy ending. The property in question, which was ‘just a short stroll’ from the bustling cultural hub of central London (Leyton), was in fact a dank basement flat that would have been stunning if I was a mutant turtle called Michelangelo and frequented the sewers, but to be fair to them, it did have some outside slabs leading up to the front door. So yeah, it was a garden flat.

    Estate agents like to spew out hyperbolic lingo like nobody’s business, so to help you navigate the minefield that is the property market, we’ve decoded the most ‘popular’ verbal tricks of the trade to give you a head start. God knows, in the current state of the rental market, we need all the help we can get

    Bijou

    Bloody tiny. But they’ve said it in French, so it’s trés chic, non?

    Cosy

    Usually applied to a studio flat. You can shower, whilst sat on the toilet, whilst watching TV…
    So cosy, right?  

    Compact

    Same as above, but throw in an extra tenant.

    Light and airy

    You’re actually bidding for a car parking space.

    Convenient for transport links

    As in, there are actually transport options available. If you have a car.

    Perfect for a first time buyer

    First time buyer = you’re lucky you’re even in this position so you get what you’re given.
     

    Easily-maintained garden

    Concrete slabs.

    Sought-after area

    You won’t be able to afford it.

    No photo available

    Lol.

    Period property

    This is haunted. And/or has dreadful carpet.

    Within walking distance

    Never trust this vague description. Anywhere is within walking distance if you can walk.

    Put your own stamp on it

    It’s a wreck. Get Kevin McCloud on the blower.

    Viewing recommended

    Because the pictures all look crap.

    Three-bedroom property

    Bedroom two is a bathroom, bedroom three is the airing cupboard.  

    Full of history

    Someone died here.

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