An Open Letter To Robert Pattinson On His Engagement

Robert Pattinson could be engaged to FKA Twigs.

Dearest Robert Pattinson,

I'm hearing rumours you're engaged. As woman pushing 30, I know I shouldn't care, but there's a certain sort of pain that comes with knowing that your one major celebrity crush is officially unobtainable. I can't even justify my adoration for you as being a 'childhood' love. No, I was 23 when you first walked into that school canteen in Twilight and caught that apple really fast (said scene is below for reference). All that pale-skinned smouldering proved too much for me. I was hooked.

Since then, I've stuck by you through some dodgy film choices (Bel Ami, really?) and some even dodgier haircuts (I may never quite recover from THAT rat tail), but my love has remained strong.

I guess it's because, deep down, I've always thought there could be a chance, a slim chance, that we could bump into each other and hit it off. After all, you're from London and I too am from London. It was only a matter of time, right?

There was even that time I interviewed you. We spoke about your role in Water for Elephants (not one of your non-dodgy films, as it happens) and you told me about the most embarrassing thing you'd done when drunk. We laughed. There was a spark.

But now I've lost you to FKA Twigs. And though it's given me a dull melancholic feeling that's hard to shake, I couldn't have lost you to a better woman. Talented, beautiful and unapologetically unique, I now kinda love her more than you. Sorry.

Love, Suzannah

UPDATE: We're hearing that T-Pain, who 'let slip' the news that Robert Pattinson and FKA Twigs are engaged has since back-tracked and claims it was an April Fool's joke. Either way, we're totally Team FKA.