Why Do Men Ruin Your Birthday?

In January 2025, beauty YouTuber Gigi Beauty, also known as Gabby Sterling, took her then-husband, King Adri (Ari Aiano), on an all-expenses-paid eight-day trip to Dubai for his birthday. Later that year, on 18 November—her 30th birthday—he asked her for a divorce.

"He left me crying there on my birthday, the whole day for two days straight," she later said in a now-deleted video. Although he briefly retracted his request, the couple announced their divorce three months ago.

When I put the question out, more than 120 women got in touch. My inbox was overrun with stories of happy memories sabotaged by the men they were close to. Though I came across this through the use of birthdays, it became clear that this was a much bigger problem sullying any possible moment of joy potentially experienced by women.

I spoke to clinical psychologist and bestselling author Dr Sophie Mort about why this seems to happen. From a clinical perspective, she says it's often twofold: significant occasions bring difficult emotions to the surface, while the pressure of the moment can overwhelm people who feel "ashamed, resentful, depleted or uncomfortable with emotional expectations."

Though poorly timed, she explains how the timing of these confessions may just be “avoidance reaching its limit”. She does acknowledge, though, that sometimes this is done on purpose.

“For some people the timing is the point, because it guarantees the maximum effect and it guarantees the memory belongs to them permanently. That deserves to be named plainly.”

​Because so many of these moments involve men, I question if this is something unique to straight relationships. Socialisation can provide certain scripts and permissions, but it does not make the behaviour inevitable. She tells me: “Some forms of “masculine” socialisation may also shape how insecurity is expressed. Men can be encouraged to value control, self-reliance and emotional restraint, while vulnerable feelings are treated as weakness. Saying, “I feel irrelevant,” “I am frightened you will outgrow me,” or “I am ashamed that I am struggling” may feel less available than anger, criticism or withdrawal.”

The most haunting example of this behaviour was around work. Many women shared that the night before big interviews, the first day of a new job, or even sharing the news of a new role, created fertile ground for arguments, fights, ghosting and silent treatment.

​“My mum's ex took the family car to the garage on the first day at her new job when she was planning to drive to work. There was nothing wrong with the car, and nothing had been mentioned before. He was a mechanic,” Lenna told me.

“I had an ex-boyfriend that started a massive argument with me the night before a huge interview. When I broke up with him, he admitted it was because he wanted me to be exhausted for the interview and not get it. Got it anyway, though, so that showed him.” April shared.

In 2024, on the first day of her new job, Samadreeta’s ex broke up with her and blocked her everywhere. “I couldn't even get to enjoy the achievement properly because I was feeling miserable the whole day,” she writes.

“Within research on intimate partner violence and economic abuse, employment sabotage is a recognised pattern.” Dr. Mort shares. “It can include interfering with someone’s ability to study, find work, attend work or progress in their career.”

When men aren’t eclipsing the joys, they’re making the difficult moments harder. “I phoned my then-boyfriend of four years after finding out my nan had passed away, and he decided that was the right time to tell me he’d cheated on me three days before”, Amy remembers.

Anita had a similar experience: “I got cheated on while I was overseas for my father's funeral. Found out when I got back and had a mental health spiral which landed me in hospital with a serious migraine. He refused to believe it was due to his behaviour and it must have been because of my smoking.” ​

Several women spoke of men suddenly feeling neglected when they had to redirect time and energy caring for elderly or sick parents. In so many of these cases it seemed that time not dedicated to the relationship was an affront to the men, as if women could not be loving partners and carers to others. Dr Mort chimes in on this observation: “Some men may have learned, explicitly or implicitly, that a female partner’s time, care, domestic labour and emotional attention should remain available to them, or that her ambitions should fit around the existing arrangements.”

Many of the stories people shared centred on holidays: girls' trips, solo travels, and even family holidays. “My boyfriend called me while I was on my best friend's birthday girl trip, saying he was going to unalive himself. He did the same thing while I went on a solo trip for my birthday too,” Amie tells me.

Not even sporting events were safe; the night before Molly ran her first-ever marathon was one she’ll never forget: After not hearing from him for months, I got a message from him saying he was in the hospital because he drank too much and it was because of me…I ruined his life when I ended our relationship. He was also in the running community and knew the marathon was the next day. I slept so poorly that night.

"It taught me to dread days that were about me"

Several women spoke to me about a lingering fear of celebrating achievements or even sharing them with people, for fear of reliving the disappointment. These moments begin to feel “unsafe”, Dr Mort tells me, “because experience has taught her that being celebrated comes with a cost.”

Even Dr Mort felt the weight of this too: “As a woman… I’ve experienced this myself; it taught me to dread days that were about me. So much so that I spent this birthday alone for the first time so I could fully ensure nothing anxiety-provoking was likely to happen. The phenomenon is real; it has lasting consequences.”

Despite her own experience on this, she reassures us that these moments need not be ruined forever; you can reclaim these moments and celebrations and form new memories. This doesn’t mean “forcing yourself to feel positive about what happened”, she stresses. “It may mean celebrating again with safe people, choosing a different date, creating a new tradition or simply deciding that the original event does not get to be the final version of the story.”

She tells me to invent new traditions by first asking: what was taken from you? That way you can figure out the most effective way to re-write the story and not feel like you’ve lost a moment that can never be recovered.