This is what happens to you when you wear a FitBit

Everyone’s on about wearable tech – but how does it actually impact your life?

Your relationship with your phone will change. The thing nobody tells you about phones is that they’re really fun for reading text messages – but nowhere near as much fun as it is to read messages on your wrist. Suddenly you’ll find yourself walking around town with your arm held up at a 45 degree angle in front of your eyes, just in case somebody texts you and you miss it feeding across the screen. Of course, you’ll need to inform absolutely everybody in your phone book that they need to text each sentence to you separately – just to make sure it doesn’t cut off with a series of dot dot dots - but it’s worth it. You’re living in the future. To all extents and purposes, you can communicate with your limbs.

Stairs will suddenly become pointless again. Technically, a FitBit Alta can track altitude. But trust us when we tell you, nobody is ever going to ask you how many metres above sea level you climbed today. What they will ask you, is how many steps you’ve taken. AND NOBODY WILL EVER KNOW IF THEY’RE ALL DOWNHILL.

You’ll find yourself imitating a watch model at all times. ‘What do you mean leaning forward with my elbow on the desk and my chin cupped in the palm of my hand isn’t a natural look? But er - while I've got your attention, don't you want to look at my snazzy leather wrist strap?’

Your colleagues will think you have a UTI. It vibrates every 30 minutes to remind you to walk around a bit. Seriously. Every 30 minutes. Sure, you might live longer and feel healthier and your skinny jeans might fit better, but it still means getting up from your desk every time you’ve read and replied to two emails, and/or written 150 words of a project proposal. We’re not complaining about this – it just means everybody will think you have cystitis. Oh, and meetings get a little bit awkward.

Bedtime suddenly becomes stressful. It monitors your sleep. And by ‘monitors’, we mean tracks and registers and measures how long you do it for, how deeply you do it, and how many times you need to have a break and go get some water. Sure, primary school children may have to get their heads around the imperfect subjunctive tense, but we have to deal with the fact that even when we’re curled up in our pyjamas in the foetal position, we still have to perform. Altogether, it just gives a whole new meaning to the idea of not being good enough in bed.

You’ll save tonnes of money. Who knew bus fares were taking up so much of your income? WHO KNEW?