Joan Rivers’ 11 most brilliant one-liners

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  • The late comedienne was the queen of the quick quip and the scathing put-down. Celebrate Joan Rivers' wit with her 11 best one-liners...

    ‘I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.’

    ‘I said to my husband, “my boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs”. He said, “Blue goes with everything.”‘

    ‘I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.’

    ‘Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.’

    ‘My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing: “Pick up, I know you’re there.”‘

    ‘The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’. For me that would be a shroud.’

    ‘Looking 50 is great – if you’re 60.’

    ‘I must admit I’m nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.’

    ‘You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.’

    ‘Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.’

    ‘When I die (and yes, Melissa, that day will come; and yes, Melissa, everything’s in your name), I want my funeral to be a huge showbiz affair with lights, cameras, action. I want Craft services, I want paparazzi and I want publicists making a scene! I want it to be Hollywood all the way. I don’t want some rabbi rambling on; I want Meryl Streep crying, in five different accents. I don’t want a eulogy; I want Bobby Vinton to pick up my head and sing ‘Mr. Lonely.’ I want to look gorgeous, better dead than I do alive. I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag. And I want a wind machine so that even in the casket my hair is blowing just like Beyonce’s.’

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