Noel Gallagher's Esquire Interview Is The Funniest Thing You Will Read Today

Why don't they make famous people like him anymore?

Noel Gallagher has done a new interview with Esquire (he's their December cover star, FYI) and it's absolutely brilliant. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Noel, who has never been one to hold back, is absolutely hilarious as he talks the magazine's editor, Alex Blimes, about his hatred of talking about his own music, his love for his wife, Sarah Macdonald, and why he thinks no one should give a fuck what One Direction are up to.

Here are our favourite things that he said:

Noel doesn't want to talk about his own music, thank you very much... 'The worst thing for an interviewer to say, if you’re doing a big magazine: "so, I want to talk about the new record." You just go, "God. Why? We’ve just listened to it. That’s all there is to say about it." People are not interested in how I went from G-minor to fucking F-sharp major.

He's pretty realistic about his previous drug use... I haven’t got a “My Drug Hell” story because it was fucking brilliant. [But] what happened was I started getting massive panic attacks. You think you’re going to die. So I stopped. I haven’t done it since ’98. I did one line maybe, a couple of years after I gave up, because I was pissed and I had to sober up quickly. And I haven’t touched it since. It is a shit drug.

And what it was lik to be famous in the 90s... We’d be partying with supermodels and all sorts. It’d be like, “We’re out of cigs. Who’s gonna go to the shop?” “No way. Press are outside.” So, you just go out and say to one of the kids, “Do us a fucking favour: go round the Tescos and get us 400 Benson and Hedges, can you?

He's alright with being famous... The fame thing, some people it hits them hard. I flourished. I love it. I’ve never gone out of my way to be famous and I don’t go to the opening of a fucking envelope but if somebody wants to lend me their superyacht just because I’m famous, “Thanks very much, man.” I do enjoy that side of it and you should fucking enjoy it.

One Direction who?... Does anybody give a fuck about what any of these current pop stars are up to? Who gives a shit what fucking One Direction do? Cocksuckers, all of them in rehab by the time they’re 30. Who gives a shit what Ellie Goulding is up to? Really? Adele, what? Blows my fucking mind. It blows my fucking mind. Nobody cares! Fame’s wasted on them, with their fucking in-ear monitors and their electronic cigarettes. And their fragrances that they’re bringing out for Christmas. You fucking dicks.

But he might consider bringing out a fragrance himself... My fragrance? Oh it’s coming, it’s coming. Toe-Rag it’s going to be called. And the bottle’s going to be a massive toe.