Valentine’s Day hate may be high in the single set, but it’s not always a picnic in the park when you’re coupled up either…
1. Unless it’s a diamond ring, Valentine gifts are always, always a let down. Soft toy? Naff. Red underwear. Double naff (and also a bit Kat Slater). Flowers? (You spent how much on a dozen soggy roses?) Chocolate? Unoriginal (but it’ll do). That’s assuming you even get something. You can style it out with a ‘we don’t do Valentine’s presents,’ but the disappointment is still crushing. Manage your expectations people!
2. And then there’s his present. It seems like only yesterday you were stressing about what to get him for crimbo and here you are again in the same present-buying minefield. Spend too much – he thinks you’re too keen. Too little – he thinks you’re not fussed. Too schmaltzy – he may well wonder why he’s with you in the first place! As we said, minefield.
3. If you have a boyfriend you’re officially not allowed to complain about Valentines Day. Hey single gals, we get why you hate it, but we hate it too! We’re together on this.
4. Beware the post V day ‘what did you do?’ office chat. Because other coupled-upers are sooooo competitive! A private pod on the London Eye, an overnighter in the room Kim Kardashian got engaged? Suddenly your meal at the local curry house (because that’s the only place that had a spare table) doesn’t seem nearly so romantic.
5. In an attempt at solidarity towards your single mates, you feel obliged to bemoan about your other half and how rubbish he is at the whole romance thing. By the time you’ve chalked up three anecdotes about his Valentines Day crapness you’re starting to envy their singledom. Whoops.
6. Romantic meal a deux? Make sure you’ve remortgaged your flat first. Dinner out on Valentines day = overpriced, aphrodisiac filled set menus ONLY. You really did want to spend the best part of a month’s wages on a bottle of cheap sparkling wine and a plate of slightly warm oysters didn’t you?
7. That cosy little restaurant you went to on your first date suddenly resembles a cross between Nandos and the school dinner hall.
8. In fact, you’re so close to the couple next to you, when you bend over to retrieve your napkin from the floor your hair dangles in their lobster bisque.
9. You’re barely half way through your langoustines a la love sauce (aka prawn cocktail) when the waiter reminds you he’ll need the table back in twenty minutes when the next suckers couple are due to arrive.
10. Valentines night is full of couples not actually talking to each other. Whether it’s the candles, the tinkling lift music or the fact the table next to you can hear your every word, suddenly you’re not so much feeling the love.
11. Forced romance. Somehow the pressure to be romantic on Valentines day makes you want to do the opposite and pick a fight. Wonder if there are any stats about couples who split up on V day?
12. The haters. Be prepared for the backlash from singles aimed at anyone who dare be loved-up on Valentines day. Yes we understand it must be horrible having hearts and flowers rammed down your throat at every turn, and we’re sorry Valentines Day makes you feel pants, but it’s really not our fault.
13. You can’t NOT do something on Valentines when you’re coupled up. If you’re single, no one even asks what you’re doing. You have permission to stay home in your PJs watching re-runs of Breaking Bad. But if you’re loved up everyone assumes you’ll be doing something UH-MAZING, unless of course there’s something wrong in your relationship. Gah!
14. No matter how much you promise yourself you’ll buy your other half’s card the minute they arrive in the shops on December 26th so you can have you pick of the best (read: least cheesy), you’ll still be squeezed into Clintons with the other last minute losers at 5.39pm the day before.
15. On the plus side. You can guarantee he’ll be doing exactly the same so at least you can rejoice in your crap cards with pukesville wording together. Who said romance was dead?