Single on Valentine's? This is how to fend off the probing questions that will probably be coming your way/or what NOT to say to your mates who are flying solo...
Depending on your relationship status, Valentine’s Day is either an excuse to show your loved ones how much you truly value and appreciate them, or a money-making conspiracy co-ordinated by the suits at The Card Factory which should be ignored and reviled along with Talk Like A Pirate Day (important, September 19th).
However it is definitely possible to navigate all those potentially-awks conversations on the slushiest day of the year whether you’re cynical, sappy or single.
Here’s 8 things you should never say to your friend if they’re single on Valentine’s Day (and 8 explanations as to why not):
1. ‘Don’t worry you’ll find someone really soon’
Saying this to us means that you a) seriously underestimate the extent of our freakish tendencies, hence why we’re in this position in the first place, and b) you’re totally not getting the fact that we don’t actually want someone permanently – just for the presents on Feb 14th, duh.
2. ‘I totally remember when I was in your position…’
Well you’re not any more so how can we possibly relate to your life of 2 for 1 tickets and cuddles on tap? Exactly. We’re not on the same page because we are single on Valentine’s and you’re not and that’s the bottom line, so no faux empathy for us, thanks very much.
3. ‘Why don’t you come along with me and *insert name of significant other here*?‘
Third wheeling with a couple who are madly in love, observing their PDAs, and pretending to be in on all the hilariously relationship-y private jokes sounds like terrific fun, but we’ve actually got plans to attend a traffic light party in Clapham and then eat a whole pizza in the dark alone.
4. ‘Why don’t you just focus on loving yourself?’
Er, the last time we checked, being single did not = self-loathing and disgust. (But admittedly, having someone fall in love with you can be a lovely ego-boost). Failing that though, we’ll probably just treat ourselves.
5. ‘Sooo, what are your plans for Valentine’s day?’
Unless this is followed with ‘…because I’ve got this model friend of a friend who’s been BEGGING me for your number and wants to take you to Wagamamas for a chicken katsu!’ then don’t even expect an answer to this because questions about being single on Valentine’s Day usually don’t even warrant a response.
6. ‘Are you going to spend the evening watching rom-coms and eating ice-cream?’
It’s possible that as a single person on Valentine’s, you may end up succumbing to even more cliches than your friends in relationships, and this is totally fine – indulging in some cheesy cinema a la Nicholas Sparks, is actually far more enjoyable when done alone, because you won’t have to do that awkward cough-sniff-muffle into your cushion when you’re trying to hold back the tears. Let it all out – with no apology.
7. ‘I literally don’t even know why you’re single!’
Thank you, we honestly have noooo idea, but let’s save that for another time, yeah?
8. ‘Tbh, Valentine’s Day is actually harder if you’re in a relationship’
OH REALLY? Is it hard deciding what filter on Instagram best shows off your sickeningly beautiful bouquet of roses? Or how many courses to order for dinner with bae? Or what exciting new position to try out with your life-partner with whom you have an amazing, deep-rooted, spiritual connection? Excuse me whilst I play you a tune on the world’s smallest violin. Bye now.