The power of choosing to be childfree

When you start twigging that maybe you don’t want children, it can be a confusing time. Your phone starts popping off with friends’ announcements, pictures of blurry scans and first birthday parties. You think, should I want this? Should I be jealous? But you keep getting on with your life, no matter what society or your purse-lipped auntie tells you. Maybe you book the holiday you’ve always wanted, change jobs or cities, ditch that boring fella or lassie your friends tell you is a ‘solid choice for your future’. Then you do an internet search and find out there are loads of childfree people like you – and they are organised!

Before I started writing my book—Harpy: A Manifesto for Childfree Women—I was a childfree lurker. I didn’t want kids, but why should I make a big fuss about it? Surely, it’s easier to keep your head down, get on with your life, and not bother anyone. But people will not let it lie. They have so many opinions – they cannot be tamed! They will ask questions whether your body language is telling them to eff off or not. “You’ll change your mind, won’t you?”, “‘Aren’t you worried about dying alone?”, “But aren’t you scared you’ll never know real love in your hollow life?” The questioners don’t see our moments of freedom, our ability to choose the direction of our own lives and the power that comes with refusing to conform to what’s expected of you.

I started writing down all the rotten things people had said to me, but it didn’t feel like the whole story, so I interviewed 55 women from around the world and from different walks of life. I heard brilliant, inspiring stories about full lives. Of course, it’s not all glitz and glam, but I found joy, laughter and adventure in these women’s stories. That kicked me up the bum to be honest about my own experiences. Like any life choice, it’s not all good, and it’s not all bad, but it feels right to me every single day.

Once you say you’re writing a book about being childfree, literally everyone talks to you. But it’s gone from piteous questions to honesty, whether from parents, carers, or folks without children. People I work with who I never knew were proudly childfree stopped me for a chat. Women have written to me sharing their stories, and I’ve heard none of the regrets we’re meant to feel about our supposedly sad little lives.

I’ve heard about women pursuing their creativity and passions, even if that’s eating biscuits while reading a book in silence. There is power in recognising that you’re alright as you are and living accordingly. Many people find the term childfree empowering, and it helps them find community, like the brilliant We Are Childfree. Some prefer the term ‘voluntarily childless’, while others just say, “I don’t want kids,” when asked. I went for Harpy as the title of my new book to poke fun at how some hysterical commentators talk about us as if we’re monsters who come out at night to feed on children.

As I’m typing this, I’ve just confirmed a dinner reservation for tomorrow night with my friends Liz, Kate and Sarah to try this Italian restaurant I keep banging on about. We met at a We Are Childfree event in Manchester and realised we all live near each other, hate small plates and orange wine, and can’t find a good roofer in South Manchester.

I love my mates with and without kids, but having this dinner once a month is a tonic; we can say the things we feel we can’t tell others about being childfree. We also talk about our lives, our hobbies, and our love of long walks with a pub at the end. Since I’ve come out as childfree, my life is immeasurably better – I wish I’d been more honest years ago, but the weight of expectations and questions drags you down until you can’t help but tear up the script. I have found so much power and autonomy by moving away from keeping my head down to talking about my childfree life. Every time you do, it helps someone else speak freely, too! There are loads of us out there, and we are a friendly bunch. I hope Harpy empowers others to see they’re not alone and a full, brilliant life is out there for the taking.

Caroline Magennis is the author of Harpy: A Manifesto for Childfree Women, out 9th May (Icon Books), hardback: £18.99.