Game Of Thrones Season Five: Sex, Dragons And Hot Damaged Men

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  • From sword fighting to hair-spiration, what does the new season of Game of Thrones hold in store?

    No spoilers for series 5 (but if you haven’t finished series 4 you might want to proceed with caution)

    Braids taken to a whole new level:
    Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) and Cercei (Lena Headey) appear to have entered some kind of braid-off, with interwoven plaits piled high on heads – obviously the look for this season – well winter is coming, right? Plus a flashback to a young Cercei where you can see where the plaiting all began.

    Dragons on the naughty step:

    As Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, aka Mother of Dragons, continues her quest for total power she’s got three rather large problems on her hands. Is there a supernanny for pschyotic dragons in current hometown Meereen, we wonder? Hope so because one’s on the loose, torching everything in sight, and the other two are still locked in the cellar and not taking it too well. Still, at least she’s got a new dress as she must have been sick to death of that blue one.

    Tyrion with a beard:
    Charismatic Lord Tyrion (Peter Dinklage), insultingly also known as “Half Man”, is in a right stoater having been hauled halfway across the world in a box by a bald eunuch. Last seen cross-bowing his dad Tywin Llanister (Charles Dance) to death on the toilet, he’s in no position to complain but is drinking his way through it and has grown a huge beard.

    Fit but damaged men:
    Emotional wreck Jon Snow (Kit Harington) continues to appeal: having buried his beloved Ygritte (Rose Leslie) beyond the Wall and lost the battle to Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane) he’s more depressed than ever and as most women love a project of this kind we predict he will be the number one totty of the season. (Harington also revealed at the premier that he gets told “too often” in supermarkets “You know nothing Jon Snow”, though not, he said, as often as Rose Leslie who in real life speaks with a cut glass accent, btw). The rest of the hot men tend to have a body part missing – we’re thinking Jaime Llanister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) though tbh it’s not his lost arm that’s the real problem but the fact he’s shagging his sister. We’re also wondering about Grey Worm, leader of the Unsullied – has he got a pillar or stones? That’s the question.

    More pornographic violence:
    No battles to speak of in Ep 1 but they still managed to fit in a close up of a throat slitting and a burning at the stake. So no change there. In fact Kit Harington revealed at the premier that Series 5 is “darker than ever” and at times “like a horror movie”. Something to look forward to as, um, those summer nights grown long then. In other news, Mrs Stannis, the psychic redhead who no one likes, has gone rogue and going around lighting bonfires under people.

    High nipple count:
    Yes, at least 6 in the first ten minutes, but still no male full frontal nudity. Plenty of men’s bums though – btw turns out Jon Snow had a bum double in the crucial cave scene with Ygritte. Spoilsport.

    Weird new characters:

    Jonathan Pryce is the leader of a strange religious cult down King’s Landing way, and Cercei’s fit but oddly dressed (bare feet, hemp robe) cousin is in the cult too. He’s trying to draw Cercei in and won’t be drawn of the subject that they’ve got history – honestly, she’s filthy that one.

    Will we be watching? Er. Yes.

    Find out what happened when Marie Claire attended the premiere

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