It’s time to imagine a world in which all of the below were not huge fibs. It’s basically a better world… one where dogs wear glossy toupees, where water super-charges your sex life and where online haters can be dealt with using a fragrant spray.
Here are the gags that had us this year (to be read as if you’re clueless to the truth, as it’s more fun that way):
Hunter announces the formation of a new band
Durex Sex Water
‘Better sex is just a sip away’, according to Durex. The company known for peddling condoms and lube has added another product to its range of sex accessories, sex water. “It is one of our most innovative, scientific products to date and we are looking forward to changing peoples’ lives,” insists a Durex spokesperson. Sex Water is just like regular water, except it makes you horny and triggers a pheromone that will make you irresistible to other sexual beings. Not convinced? Well, Emily from Leeds is. She tried and reviewed the product and here’s her verdict: ‘My boyfriend and I had got in to a rut and were having sex once a week at best. When we were offered Sex Water we knew it had to be worth a shot and the results have not only improved our sex, but also our relationship. My boyfriend could go all night long and I have never felt so confident in my life- this was only after sharing one bottle. Love the product!’
Illamasqua’s Anti-Troll Spray
How to deal with haters online? Cosmetics giant Illamasqua has answers, or a troll deterrent spray, at least. In response to the poisonous online-culture of tearing people down on social media the beauty brand has formulated a product using ‘patented troll repellent technologies’. For just £32 this anti-troll spritz can be yours. What’s more it’s endorsed by Jamie Genevieve ‘I am obsessed with the new Illamasqua Anti-Troll Spray! So easy to use, it hydrates, it sets make-up and it completely blocks trolls. Since I’ve been using it I’ve received no negativity at all’
Hair Extensions for dogs by Tatiana Karelina
Hair extensions expert Tatiana Karelina is introducing a luxury beauty service for ‘the most discerning dogs’. She’s taking pet grooming to the next level offering a fully personalised hair extension service for pooches. If your dog’s mane is not as thick or swishy as those of the other hound’s in the park, you know what to do.
Alternatively, you can have your dog fitted with a toupee modelled in your image. Most excellent.
Gourmet dining for kitties
Young’s Seafood is set to open a fine dining seafood restaurant in Grimsby – catering to a very particular, furry, clientele: cats. Once the feline family members are through the restaurant’s cat flap they can enjoy an array of dishes ‘including steamed fish on a bed of crispy biscuits with a sprig of catnip along with a choice of milks and waters all selected by a Young’s Sommelier’. Young’s intend this venture to become a chain of fine dining experiences for cats, following the Grimsby launch the fishy brand also has plans to expand and open sites in Catford, Purley and Felixstowe.
The best wearable yet? Let your crotch take control with these specially engineered wi-fi pants – they’re charged by motion and have an in-built mood detector. Warning, an early adopter, VO2Maximus, had a troublesome experience with these fancy knickers. Here’s his confession: ‘On a blind date last Sunday things were going well and we went back to mine for coffee…during foreplay the lights kept going on and off and the TV changed programme from 50 Shades of Grey on Blu-ray to Songs of Praise. And then during the main event I managed to buy a fridge off the internet, unwittingly post up pictures on Facebook, my pulse rate was indicated by a beeping sound (which put me right off my stroke) as well as the fact that the hygiene alarm went off several times.’ Still intrigued? Watch a video that unpacks the tech behind these powerful pants.
Just to clarify, we’re 99% sure none of this is true, much as we wish it was…