Putting aside the biological questions surrounding reproduction and going for a wee, we've spent the majority of our lives wondering how we can justify wearing a tail 24/7. Now, thanks to a new mermaid school in Los Angeles, we actually can...
Crayon in hand, and your face scrunched up like a sock with the concentration of it all, you try to answer the questions on your worksheet. ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ You panic. What do you want to be when you grow up? After all, you’re five years old. You’d quite like to be six. Or seven. Or… suddenly it hits you. ‘M E R M A I D’, you write in waxy, unstable capslock. And from that moment, you’re convinced of it: when you grow up, you’re definitely going to be a mermaid.
Yep, ever since we first watched her comb her hair with a piece of cutlery, talk to a lobster and have her first snog to the tune of a 1998 Peter Andre single, we’ve been obsessed with Ariel and all of her kind. Sure, we know she’s a feminist nightmare: the woman who sacrifices her voice and individuality in order to comply with a societal standard of beauty. But hey, she taught us never to broker a deal with a purple octopus – not to mention the fact that she managed to develop a far closer relationship with her pet fish than any of us ever did.
Which is why the news of Los Angeles’ new ‘mermaid school’ is everything we’ve ever wanted.
‘Learn to be a mermaid (or merman) this summer by coming to LA mermaid school in LA’s own classic beach town—Venice, CA!,’ states the website, clarifying that classes will be held on June 27 and July 11, and will cost $40. Plus, y’know, the airfare over there.
Don’t worry though – it’s totally worth it. Pupils won’t just be taught by some semi-qualified sea creature. In fact, you can only become a teacher if you’ve played a real life mer-person on TV or in a film, and the ‘finstructors’ (geddit) promise to share their ‘incredible tricks, techniques and mesmerizing personalities’.
Of course, a basic level of swimming is required, there aren’t any details on the website about whether you should prepare yourself to lose your voice shortly after attending the class, and it might not be the kind of thing to put at the very top of your CV. But to be honest, we really don’t care.
After all, we’re far busy googling shell-shaped bikinis, sellotaping both our legs together and looking for a fork.