To Celebrate Simon Cowell's Birthday, We Give You His Best & Most Withering Put Downs...

He’s the man most of us love to hate and some of us fancy (don’t judge) but he may just deliver some of TV's most withering and creative put-downs and for that we thank him...

He’s the man most of us love to hate and some of us fancy (don’t judge) but he may just deliver some of TV's most withering and creative put-downs and for that we thank him...

To celebrate the music mogul’s 55th birthday, we’re reminiscing over his best quotes and worst put downs:

“If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning.”

“If you had lived 2000 years ago and sung like that, I think they would have stoned you.”

“First of all, the dress is completely wrong. And then you sang the song out of tune and a bit like a baby.”

“Oh, gosh, where do I start? I mean I’m not being rude but you look like the Incredible Hulk’s wife.”

“It was absolutely terrible in most parts. I mean, it was like being at a funeral for the first half.”

“My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don’t”

"Let me use a horoscope analogy. A suitcase and plane travel within 24 hours, because I honestly do not think you will last another week. You looked cute but sounded horrible.”

“I have heard some bad performances in my time. And I can honestly say that is one of the worst of them."

“Holly, your mouth is far, far too big when you sing. I mean, it was like looking into a cave. I’ve never seen anything so huge in my life.”

“I thought it was horrible…just horrible. I thought it was like some terrible, ghastly, high school musical performance.”

“If you win this competition, we will have failed.”

“If I went to a psychiatrist, it would be a long session. I’ve always thought that I do have a number of issues that probably need dealing with, because I am quite odd in some ways.”

“There’s as much chance as you being a pop star or a rock star as me flying to the moon tomorrow morning for breakfast.”

“You actually sing like a train going off the rails. You sort of start off in tune and then it goes completely off. And very, very fast.”

“It was boring, your voice sounded a bit whiny, you looked terrified. And it look as if you’ve been shut up in your bedroom for a month, you know, you look verging on haunted, pale, you know?”

“You sounded like Dolly Parton on helium…[that song] belongs in some ghastly country fair.”

“It would be like coaching a one-legged man to win the 100 metre sprint. I may be a great coach, but if you haven’t got it, you haven’t got it.”

“It was a little bit like a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger.”

“Well, the two people who came on before you ran the 100 metres in ten seconds. You ran it in five minutes. That’s the difference.”

“You look like one of those creatures that live in the jungle.”

“Do you have a singing teacher? Get a lawyer and sue her.”

“That song was like going to a zoo or something. I mean the noises were beyond anything I have ever, ever heard.”

“I’m tempted to ask if you sang that the night before your wife left you.”

“Not in a billion years. There’s only so many words I can drag out of my vocabulary to say how awful that was.”

“Last year I described someone as being the worst singer in America. I think you’re possibly the worst singer in the world.”

“It was a bit like ordering a hamburger, and only getting the bun.”

“I don’t know what cats being squashed sound like in Lithuania, but now I have a pretty good idea.”

“You’re probably the most disillusioned group of people we’ve ever had in this competition. And that’s the truth. I think the group is horrendous, you have absolutely zero edge, no originality, I think individually you’re weak, I think as a group you’re even worse, absolutely zero chance you guys will ever, ever, ever have a successful career.”

And last, but certainly not least, our favourite put down:  “You have the personality of a handle.”

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