Ever wondered what really goes on behind other people's closed doors?
Pillow talk is a new weekly series which explores what goes on behind closed doors and answers the question of what other people are getting up to between the sheets. You can read Part 1 here. This week we meet Rose*, 25 who lives in a house share with boyfriend Pete*, 27, in North London. They met at university in 2012 and have been together for three years.
‘When I first met Pete I was a virgin, and I was planning to stay that way until I got married. I was raised in a devoutly Christian family. I hadn’t always been set on waiting until marriage before I had sex, as a teenager I wasn’t sure I could, but I got into the Christian Union at university, and a lot of what they said about waiting for marriage really hit home.
Pete is agonistic, so as you can imagine he wasn’t wild about waiting. But we’d been friends for a long time and we really fancied each other, so we agreed we’d start dating and see how it went. After we’d been together for a year he suggested that we get married. I said no, because I felt we were too young. But it did make me feel that we were really serious about each other, so a few months after that we had sex for the first time. I appreciated how faithful Pete had been. He’d been having sex regularly before we got together so I felt he’d made a commitment. I was 22.
After so much build up and wondering what sex would feel like, I was worried it would be disappointing, but it was actually really lovely. Not earth shattering, but really nice. Like we’d connected on another level.
Now we live together. My family weren’t thrilled about it, they don’t think you should live together before you’re married. They’ve never asked if we’re having sex. But I think they probably hope we aren’t.
We’re still not married but we have sex about twice a week. Pete works away four nights a week at the moment, which is really hard. We always have sex when he gets back on Thursday and before he leaves on Sunday. When we lived together full time it was more like three or four times a week.
Sometimes I worry that Pete would like me to be more experimental. I’m romantic and traditional in bed, but it’s not just that. If I’m honest, I do feel guilty that we’re having sex outside of marriage. I know that we’re going to get married when we feel ready, and I’m not as dedicated to my faith as I once was. But it’s hard to get rid of the guilt and I think the main reason I don’t experiment is because of that, and confidence. I like missionary position sex, though I think I would enjoy other things if I tried them. Sometimes I’ll go on top, but I feel self conscious about my body. I know Pete would like to experiment with more positions, and he’s even suggested trying anal, but I just don’t feel ready. I really hope that I’ll get there. I worry that he might think it’s because I don’t love him. He’s been with about ten other girls and sometimes I think about the fact that I don’t have any experience. That said, I don’t regret not having slept with more people.
I feel happy with our sex life, in terms of gratification. I enjoy it. It makes me feel close to Pete. If I could change anything I’d want us to be together more often. There’s only a small part of me that wishes we had waited until we were married. But that’s the guilt kicking in again.
Once we do get married, I think I’ll be able to relax and enjoy having sex more. Sometimes I have fantasies that I don’t share because I feel ashamed or embarrassed, but once we’re married I think I’ll feel more comfortable sharing them with Pete. I hope so. I know Pete watches porn when he’s away, and he’s very open about the fact he’d like more from our sex life. But he never makes me feel bad about it – he’s been amazing with me, from going a year without sex to never pushing my boundaries. I do wish I could enjoy sex without guilt like other people can, but the silver lining to that cloud is that I’ve seen Pete react to being tested and I know what a great husband and life partner he’s going to be.’