How to make Covid co-parenting as stress-free as possible

If you're one of the UK's 2.4m separated families trying to navigate Covid co-parenting alone, you definitely need barrister Ceri White's expert advice

Over a month into lockdown and spare a thought for the 2.4 million separated families in the UK regularly exchanging children and their accompanying soft toys.

After initial confusion, the government confirmed that 'where parents do not live in the same household, children under 18 can be moved between their parents' homes' but the volume of calls to barrister Ceri White's family chambers at 4PB indicate things are not that simple and clear cut.

'The guidance from the courts is that because a child ‘can’ travel for contact does not mean they ‘must’ and a sensible assessment of the individual circumstances should be made,' explains White. 'And complications are varied – from shielding for the vulnerable, parental jobs with significant Covid exposure or the occasional attempt to disrupt contact using the virus as an excuse.'

So where does that leave many Covid co-parenting exes? In a murky and stressful world where many are trying to make the best of a challenging situation. Couples who are still on friendly terms, like several of White's clients, are attempting to isolate with each other, for better or worse. In contrast, White has had to make applications to restore interim contact for some clients after parents retained children during weekend contact or refused to allow any contact at all.

So, what can you do to make Covid co-parenting as stress-free as possible? Here is White's four-step co-parenting checklist...

1. Covid co-parenting: put the children first

This is not the time for seeking tactical advantage. Children thrive best on a routine and, with school closed and meeting with friends barred, any routine that can be maintained, should be. Clearly, if someone is showing symptoms or self isolating, the children cannot travel. In those circumstances, maintain contact via video, phone and text (frequent and short works best for most children but you know them best).

Reassure the children that they will see the other parent soon – and make sure they do. Be aware that your children are likely to be very anxious for the health and wellbeing of everyone they love, and that includes their other parent and wider family. They will not seek the reassurance they need from you if they are conscious of you holding negative feelings towards the other parent.

2. Covid co-parenting: communication is key

Up front, clear and above all polite communications is critical here. If arrangements need to be changed, tackle it head on. Tell a co-parent about any difficulties (be that vulnerable household members or symptoms) as quickly as possible. Be conscious the children are at home 24/ 7 and likely to overhear any calls between you.

Perhaps save those discussions until the children are asleep or when you are on your daily walk. If you agree changes to the arrangements, confirm them by email so you both have a written record.

3. Covid co-parenting: put yourself in your exes' shoes

You are worried about the children spending time with your ex, who happens to be a frontline key worker: he is equally worried that he will not see his kids for months. Neither of you is wrong - a little empathy for the other’s predicament goes a long way to calming tensions. These are difficult decisions and, however much you do not get on, they have to be made together. Which brings me onto…

4. Covid co-parenting: mediation is here to help

Mediators are still working, just via video conferencing. They are assisting thousands of couples to work out what co-parenting looks like during a pandemic. If you cannot agree on what to do, find a mediator to help you via the Family Mediation Council. While courts remain open for urgent matters, by telephone or occasionally video, mediation should be attempted first where possible.

Maria Coole is a contributing editor on Marie Claire.

Hello Marie Claire readers – you have reached your daily destination. I really hope you’re enjoying our reads and I'm very interested to know what you shared, liked and didn’t like (gah, it happens) by emailing me at: maria.coole@freelance.ti-media.com

But if you fancy finding out who you’re venting to then let me tell you I’m the one on the team that remembers the Spice Girls the first time round. I confidently predicted they’d be a one-hit wonder in the pages of Bliss magazine where I was deputy editor through the second half of the 90s. Having soundly killed any career ambitions in music journalism I’ve managed to keep myself in glow-boosting moisturisers and theatre tickets with a centuries-spanning career in journalism.

Yes, predating t’internet, when 'I’ll fax you' was grunted down a phone with a cord attached to it; when Glastonbury was still accessible by casually going under or over a flimsy fence; when gatecrashing a Foo Fighters aftershow party was easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy and tapping Dave Grohl on the shoulder was... oh sorry I like to ramble.

Originally born and bred in that there Welsh seaside town kindly given a new lease of life by Gavin & Stacey, I started out as a junior writer for the Girl Guides and eventually earned enough Brownie points to move on and have a blast as deputy editor of Bliss, New Woman and editor of People newspaper magazine. I was on the launch team of Look in 2007 - where I stuck around as deputy editor and acting editor for almost ten years - shaping a magazine and website at the forefront of body positivity, mental wellbeing and empowering features. More recently, I’ve been Closer executive editor, assistant editor at the Financial Times’s How To Spend It (yes thanks, no probs with that life skill) and now I’m making my inner fangirl’s dream come true by working on this agenda-setting brand, the one that inspired me to become a journalist when Marie Claire launched back in 1988.

I’m a theatre addict, lover of Marvel franchises, most hard cheeses, all types of trees, half-price Itsu, cats, Dr Who, cherry tomatoes, Curly-Wurly, cats, blueberries, cats, boiled eggs, cats, maxi dresses, cats, Adidas shelltops, cats and their kittens. I’ve never knowingly operated any household white goods and once served Ripples as a main course. And finally, always remember what the late great Nora Ephron said, ‘Everything is copy.’