How to Tell Your Family You’re Not Going Home for Christmas

I’ve long suspected Hollywood might be the root cause of all social expectations—and, as such, social anxiety. Much as I adore the show, I think Sex and the City gave us an unrealistic idea of friendship, and Friends—well, let me just say that not once in my adult life have I breakfasted with my mates before work, and not through lack of want. At no other time do I feel the disconnect between the relationships that films conditioned me to expect than at Christmas. For decades—a century, really—pop culture has been peddling the idea that Christmas means one thing: family.

From 1945’s Meet Me in St. Louis to last year’s Nutcrackers (and all of the many iterations of Home Alone), Christmas films invariably cycle through the same tired tropes before ending with the realisation that there’s no place like home (I know I’m mixing film references here, but stay with me).

But if family Christmases are as magical as the movies would have you believe, why are Google searches for “going away for Christmas” up by 825%? Riddle me that, Santa. Virgin Experience Days ran a survey on how Brits will be Christmassing this year and found that 30% of 18–24-year-olds are opting for Friendmas, believing it to be more meaningful than a traditional family Christmas.

Dr Jo Gee notes that young adults are bucking the trend—and familial obligations—to prioritise experiences that align with their mental health and identity, viewing solo or alternative celebrations as acts of empowerment and self-care. “There is also an increasing emphasis on ‘chosen family’, in which meaningful friendships are seen as vital to wellbeing,” adds Dr Gee, nodding to the uptick in “no-contact” Christmases. “We also see people choosing to spend Christmas in a way that feels restorative.”

No wonder, then, that there are 39.8 million posts on TikTok under “spending Christmas alone without family”.

The reality is that Christmas means different things for different people and—crucially—at different times. You might’ve had the most picture-perfect Christmases as a kid and still want to opt out this year, and that’s fine (though it might not make it any easier to tell your family).

Whether you want to spend Christmas without family because it’s too difficult or you’d just rather go on holiday, consider this your sign that you’re allowed to spend the season your way.

Read on for seven simple, guilt-free steps on how to tell your family you’re not going home for Christmas.

1. Remind yourself why you’re going away instead of going home

The first step is to make sure you’re clear in your own mind about exactly why you’re choosing to go away instead of going home. Is it because you don’t get much time off throughout the year, and this is the only time you can get away? Is it because you’re spending time with your partner’s family instead, perhaps for the first time? Is it difficult to go home, either logistically or emotionally? It’s important to remind yourself of your reasons for going away so that you can’t be made to feel guilty about your decision.

2. Tell them ASAP

The longer you leave it, the harder the conversation will be, and the more upset they will be – not to mention it’ll be more of an inconvenience if they’ve already done all the food shopping and included you in their catering plans. As soon as you’ve made the decision not to go home, or as soon as your trip away is booked, tell your family.

3. Be honest (but gentle)

Honesty is the best policy. Don’t make up a lie that you’ll have to stick to forever, or blame it on money if that’s not the issue, as they might offer to pay. But perhaps be gentle with the truth – rather than saying you can’t face it because you can’t cope with the same arguments you have every year and it’s too stressful, maybe try something like “We wanted to try something new this year and treat ourselves to a holiday and some relaxation.”

4. Keep it calm

If they get angry, it’s because they’re probably feeling disappointed, or even abandoned, so give them some space, and be prepared for them to be annoyed. Don’t get defensive, but you don’t need to have a big apology speech prepared, just acknowledge their feelings and let them know that you understand that they’re upset.

5. Suggest alternatives

Suggest an alternative to the big day, so you can still spend time together and celebrate, without the pressure that Christmas day brings. Try saying “I know you’re disappointed, so how about we do something the week before/after Christmas so we can still see each other?”.

6. Get in touch on Christmas Day

Whether you’re relaxing by the pool, sitting by the fire in a ski lodge, or you’ve got an action-packed itinerary elsewhere remember to get in touch on Christmas day. A quick phone call, Facetime, or even just a text, will remind the family that you haven’t forgotten them.

7. Remember you can’t keep everyone happy

You don’t need to apologise for your decision to go away instead of going home, so be firm and stand by your choice, but be respectful. Some family members might be annoyed for a while, but remember that you’re putting your own needs first this time and you can’t keep everyone happy - and enjoy your holiday!