'Selfish' Isn’t a Dirty Word: Why Putting Yourself First Could Be One of the Best Things You Do for Your Health

I was raised by women who only really knew how to be selfless. My mum, a natural-born people-pleaser (and she won’t mind me saying so), has always considered caring for others her superpower. My grandmothers were much the same: they remembered everything, did everything, gave everything, and somehow always left themselves short. Their cups were the last to be filled. And, rather inconveniently, I think I’ve inherited a little of that, too.

Which is why I’ve made it my mission to turn “you’re selfish” into one of the biggest compliments a woman can receive. It started, as many great ideas do, a bottle of wine deep, during a conversation with a friend. We got talking about how readily women apologise for having needs, how uncomfortable we feel saying no, and why putting ourselves first still carries so much stigma. By the end of it, we’d decided it was time to reclaim the word.

Call it wine-fuelled wisdom, but the statistics tell a similar story. A 2026 poll of 2,000 UK women found that more than nine in ten put others’ needs before their own, with nearly two-thirds doing so often. Almost half (48%) struggle to ask for what they want, while around two-thirds worry about seeming demanding or difficult. Clearly, we’ve become so afraid of being called selfish that we’ve forgotten what it means to put ourselves first.

But this is about more than learning to say no to dinner plans without a full-blown apology tour. It’s about what happens when you’ve been led to believe that being “selfish” is practically criminal behaviour, and the toll this can take on your health. With 44% of UK women saying their health has stopped them from doing everything they want to do, it’s worth asking what we’re sacrificing in the process.

So, let’s put selfish back into our vocabulary; not as an insult, but a compliment. Let’s make it one of the most seductive, compelling and respected words in the mental wellbeing conversation. Because being everything to everyone is exhausting - and perhaps a little more selfishness is exactly what the doctor ordered. Experts, take it away.

Why Putting Yourself First Could Be One of the Best Things You Do for Your Health

Why Are Women Still Expected to Put Everyone Else First?

A question that feels as old as time itself: why are women still expected to put everyone else first? And what’s particularly interesting is that, while we might like to think we’ve moved on from the traditional gender roles, the reality for many suggests otherwise. An Ipsos survey found that while just 14% of people believe women should take primary responsibility for childcare, 43% think society still expects them to. In other words, even if our personal attitudes have moved on, societal expectations haven't quite caught up. TDLR: we might believe in equality, but we’re still living with expectations that came before it.

The numbers bear that out, too. ONS data shows women spend an average of 3 hours and 37 minutes a day of unpaid work, compared with 2 hours and 43 minutes for men. That’s nearly an extra hour every day spent on the things that keep everyone else’s lives ticking along.

For Suzy Reading, chartered psychologist specialising in self-advocacy and self-worth, the roots of this run deep.“A good girl, good daughter, good wife, good mother is characterised by selflessness,” she says. “Women are conditioned to be “pliable, amenable, modest, agreeable, accommodating—essentially, to be everything everyone else needs them to be. And while we're told we can now have it all, I’m arguing that this has often translated into being expected to “do it all”.

She sees the consequences of that expectation in her consulting room every day. Women come to her wanting to be better mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, friends, and colleagues despite already giving everything they have.“Women who are already giving everything they have feel like they have to find it from somewhere to give more,” she says. “Rather than asking whether those demands are reasonable, fair or sustainable, I’m seeing many of my clients turn the pressure back on themselves.” Reading calls it a “pandemic of ‘not enoughness’”.

And it’s not just about societal expectations. It’s about what years of those expectations can make us believe about ourselves, our worth and our right to have needs of our own.

The Psychology Behind Our Need to Please

Before we can reclaim the word selfish, we need to understand why saying no can feel so damn difficult. According to health psychologist Sula Windgassen, the roots of people-pleasing can go much deeper than simply wanting to be liked. “It is generally much more threat-based,” she explains. “The intense need to ensure that people are pleased is often related to a fear of being rejected or negatively affected should others not be happy.”

​Psychologists have a name for this particular people-pleasing trap: self-silencing. Psychologist Dana Jack’s theory explores how gender expectations can teach women to suppress their own needs, thoughts and feelings to keep relationships harmonious. And the research is compelling: a 2021 meta-analysis of 42 studies, involving more than 10,000 people, found a moderate association between self-silencing and depression.

​The effects may not be purely psychological, either. Research has linked emotional suppression with heightened physiological responses to stress. In other words, constantly swallowing what you really think or feel may come at a cost.

Reading explains that people-pleasing can “rupture our relationship with self”, leaving us feeling “lost” and disconnected from our own needs and preferences. Her advice? Ask yourself: If I knew it would be completely acceptable to say no, would I still want to do it? It's a simple way to start separating genuine generosity from the fear of disappointing someone.

The Hidden Health Cost of Always Putting Others First – and the Signs You Shouldn't Ignore

We’re often told that looking after ourselves is a matter of making more time for self-care: get up earlier, book the appointment, whack on the sheet mask, find a moment to “switch off”. These are our “selfish moments”, and while I agree, I can’t help but wonder: what if the problem isn’t that we’re simply not making enough time for ourselves? What if it’s that we’re living in a way that leaves so little room for our needs in the first place?

The experts are clear: being selfless can come with physical costs. Being endlessly accommodating, absorbing other people’s stress and pushing through when you’re exhausted might be praised as selflessness, but the body doesn’t necessarily experience it that way. When the pressure becomes chronic, it can have very real consequences for our health.

Medical doctor and women’s health advocate Dr Faye Bate explains that prolonged stress can affect several systems in the body. “The immune system can be affected, meaning more infections and longer recovery times. Sleep can become disrupted, while the body's fight-or-flight response can divert blood away from the gut, affecting digestion.”

Hormones can be affected, too, with chronic stress potentially contributing to irregular, missed or heavier periods, lower libido and worsening PMS or perimenopause symptoms. More seriously, chronic stress has been linked to an increased risk of heart attacks. “The cumulative strain of repeated or prolonged stress is known as allostatic load—the wear and tear on the body that builds up over time,” explains Bate's.

And the signs aren’t always physical. From a mental health perspective, Reading points to anxiety, emotional numbing, irritability, loneliness, and relationship difficulties as possible consequences of repeatedly denying our own needs. She also suggests watching for guilt around saying no, struggling to identify what you actually want, neglecting basic health needs and relying on coffee, sugar, alcohol or screens to get through the day.

Consider this a reality check: selflessness might be celebrated, but it isn't harmless when it comes at the expense of our health. I'm sure many of us can relate: I, for one, have a habit of treating my time, energy and wellbeing as though they're endlessly expendable. But saying no, setting boundaries and putting our own needs back on the agenda isn't selfish—it's self-preservation. And it's about time we started treating it that way.

The Small Acts of Selfishness That Could Make a Big Difference to Your Wellbeing

Welcome. The doors to the selfish club are officially open, and absolutely no one needs to apologise for walking through them. House rules: leave the guilt outside. Your needs are not an inconvenience, and 'no' is a complete sentence. I asked Reading for five simple ways to get started; no permission required.

3 Simple Ways to Be a Little More Selfish Every Day

1. Check in with yourself before checking in on everyone else

Before you launch into another day of sorting everyone else's lives out, take a moment to check in with yourself. Reading suggests a simple hand-on-heart ritual: place a hand on your chest, take a mindful sip of your morning coffee or a glass of water, and ask yourself: What's happening for me right now? What do I need? The idea is to get into the habit of recognising your needs whilst they're still a whisper, rather than waiting until they're practically shouting - through exhaustion, overwhelm or even illness. A small pause can be a good reminder that you're on your own to-do list, too.

2. Repeat after me. Rest is NOT a reward

A firm favourite of mine. You wouldn't expect your phone to run indefinitely without charging, so why do we expect the same of ourselves? Reading is a fan of restorative yoga's 'legs up the wall' pose, or her rather brilliant 'human burrito.' The latter involves lying on your bed, placing a pillow under your head and another beneath your knees, then wrapping yourself up in your duvet and letting yourself properly flop. Even five minutes can be enough. And if rest keeps getting bumped down your priority list? Reading's advice is simple: “Make an appointment with you.”

3. Make your comfort a priority

Feeling safe and comfortable matters, both for your nervous system and your emotional wellbeing. Sometimes that can be as simple as wearing clothes that let you breathe (because nobody needs a tight bra making an already stressful day worse). Reading also recommends a little self-soothing ritual she calls the 'face hug': rub your hands together to warm them, then gently cradle your face. Take a moment to notice how reassuring it feels to be held. As she puts it: “It is ok to pause and find a pace that respects your humanity.” Her mantra? “I give myself permission to feel.”

Let's Get Loud About Being Selfish

If there’s one thing I hope the woman on the other side of this article takes away from this, it’s that putting yourself first shouldn’t feel like an act of rebellion—and it certainly shouldn't come with a side order of guilt. Our time, energy and health aren’t bottomless resources, and being a good daughter, partner, friend, colleague, or mother shouldn’t mean running ourselves into the ground.

I’m not suggesting we stop caring about other people. I’m suggesting we extend ourselves the same consideration we hand out so freely. Say no. Ask for what you need. Take a rest. Change your mind. Let someone else pick up the slack. And please, stop apologising for having perfectly reasonable needs.

So here’s to being a little less accommodating, a little more boundary-setting, and considerably less bothered about being labelled selfish. Because if looking after yourself is selfish, I’d suggest we’ve been using the word wrong all along.

MC's Selfish Edit