Adam is not the true villain of Love Island - Eyal is

'There's an inverse relationship between the number of times a man says "I'm deep" with how deep he actually is. Eyal is shallower than my niece's paddling pool.'

Eyal has spent a lot of time on Love Island honking about his 'spiritual side'. He came on the show to forge deep human connections (man) not to score a cheap fondle on a day bed. 'The biggest thing I bring to a relationship is, like, truth' he said.

Strange, then, that he spent his first few days chasing Hayley, a woman whom it was clear within five minutes he had absolutely nothing in common with. Ironically it was Hayley, not Eyal, who had the emotional intelligence to realise this. 'There’s no chemistry' she said, after Eyal had attempted to fondle her on the day bed, 'I don’t feel like he brings my personality out, I feel like I’m very boring when I’m around him.' When she confided to Laura and Wes about this 'truth' Eyal flew off the handle. 'I'm not your hun, hun' he spat.

There also wasn't a lot of 'good energy' in evidence last night when Eyal swooped on an indecisive Megan, pulling her into a kiss in front of poor, unlucky Dr Alex, a move made even worse by the fact that Alex had been singing his rival's praises to Megan just a few hours earlier. In a vintage display of British passive aggression, Alex told Eyal 'that's not something I would do.'

Eyal's zen is disintegrating faster than a cheap sarong. There's an inverse relationship between the number of times a man says 'I'm deep' with how deep he actually is. Eyal is shallower than my niece's paddling pool. He didn't give a flying fuck what breed of dog Hayley has, just as he doesn't care if this is the closest his 'boy' Alex has come to finding a partner. 'It's dog eat dog' he shrugged to camera, his last shred of beer mat Buddhism vanishing into thin air.

Much has been made of Adam's 'Nasty Nick' status in the house, but I think Eyal might be the true villain of this series. Yes, Adam is a piece of work, but it's all in an entertaining, pantomime villain kind of way. You can practically see him winking at the producers.

Eyal, on the other hand, is a particular brand of entitled, faux-spiritual-bro we've all had a run-in with at some point. He's the guy in the dolphin thong necklace who spends an evening mansplaining the work of Pedro Almodovar to you, even though you're the one who studied it, the guy who says he finds it hard to connect with 'most women' then talks about himself for two hours straight, he's the one who says 'what, don't you trust me?' when you turn down a one-night stand, or who asks you a question then interrupts your answer with 'you have amazing eyes.' It's what's on the inside that counts, so long as the outside is a size 8.

'I believe in a past life that I was some kind of monkey' Eyal said in his intro to the show. If he keeps this up he'll be spending the next one as a cockroach.