Investigating the Mystery French Man™
A series in which we digest the dramatic arcs and standout moments in each episode of the new Netflix all true reality show, Bling Empire.
- Bling Empire’s episode 1 drama: Meet the angry Red Power Ranger
If episode 1 of Bling Empire was all about drama, pure drama, episode 2 took some time out to focus on the development of the supplementary characters who orbit around Anna Shay like tiny little satellites. And episode 3? Episode 3 went back to drama.
The latest two instalments have left us with more questions than answers. And critics of the ‘vacuous’ reality TV format can get stuffed, as I’m currently conducting multiple investigations requiring cork boards, red string and photocopied head shots to shed light on some of the show’s many narrative mysteries. Please contact me if you have any tips on the below…
The mysteries of Bling Empire
Who has the oldest jewellery house in Paris? An investigation:
Tensions were high as Anna and Christine fought to uncover the truth behind the oldest high jewellery house in Paris. Christine was backing Mellerio. Anna was odds-on Boucheron. After burning the midnight oil and waking up with various bits of paper research covering all available desk and floor space, I can tell you that Christine has won. Not that it’s a competition.
The Mellerio jewellery house was founded in 1613, with their first store opening in 1815 on 22 rue de la Paix – just down the road from the as yet unopened Boucheron. Fun fact: In 1830, under the reign of Louis-Philippe Ist, Mellerio was also appointed the official supplier of the Royal family. Boucheron, however, was founded in 1858 by Frédéric Boucheron, and is the oldest jewellery house in Place Vendôme – but not the whole of Paris.
Semantics! We know Anna was specifically talking about the oldest jewellery house in Place Vendôme. So really, Anna wins. Not that it’s a competition.
The mysterious French man trope:
Key to a successful Netflix reality TV show is casting a Mystery French Man™. In this case, we have Florent. Who is Florent? Where does he come from? What does he do? Did he leave Paris specifically to try on a Dior poncho at Anna’s house? This is all very Romain Selling Sunset. Another mysterious French character who we have no background on, aside from that he used to be a pastry chef despite seeing no evidence of him handling pastry.
Jessey’s search for the right time:
Jessey and Cherie have one daughter, Jadore, and another baby is on the way. Cherie wants to get married but Jessey is waiting for something. He’s sure he will find it, he just hasn’t found it in five years. He knows that Cherie is someone who he wants to be with though. So that’s reassuring.
Bling Empire’s episode 2 & 3 drama: The Penis Pump
The mysteries of Bling-E aside, the drama was back in a big way come episode 3. And at the heart of it was, as ever, a penis pump…
Anna threw open her door/s to her new ‘friend’ DJ Kim Lee She was on the hunt for more friends after getting burnt by thieving fake friends in the past, and Kim looked like she could be someone who had the “integrity, morals, principles, scruples and respect” that Anna was looking for. She also appeared to have a working knowledge of classical piano. Oh dear. The trust was soon broken after Kim and snoopy guy pal Guy identified a penis pump whilst roaming free in Anna’s bathroom.
Rather than choosing to embody the virtues that Anna had previously requested, Kim mercilessly instructs Guy to fling the penis pump out of the bathroom window, along with any integrity, morals, principles, scruples and respect she once had. Anna flipped. But Kim, to this day, doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong.
It was episode 3 that also saw deep character development for Topless Kevin. Clearly unhappy with how the penis pump incident played out, the once happy-go-lucky Kev challenges Kim over her lack of apology and respect and scruples etc etc and asks, “Who raised you, WOLVES?”.
Kim, clearly upset by this insinuation, torpedos a drink at him. It seems a small drink, as there’s not much liquid to be seen.
Then, incase we missed it, Kevin enquires once again as to who raised Kim. “Wolves?!!” This very specific line of questioning is followed by a lot of chatter about dry cleaning bills, but we are left on a subtle cliffhanger…
Was Kim Lee raised by wolves?
No context quotes
- “It fits very well for ready to wear.”
- “Can I have her placenta?”
- “One day, all the fish died.”
- “I need his towel! Where’s Madeleine?”
- “If you were to pump your penis, where would be most practical?”
- “I don’t want a 180 relationship.”
- “It’s too small.”