What you *think* having a baby will be like Vs. having a baby in real life

One reality check coming right up

You’ve thought long and hard about starting a family, and decided that now is the time to bring another little person into the world. So it’s time to start planning, and imagining what life will be like with your miniature you by your side. And it will surely be all cuddles, cute baby-grows and chic pram-pushing, right?

Sorry folks, one reality check coming right up… What you think: I can’t wait to pick out a cute outfit every day for my precious little bear. Real life: FFS he’s been sick on his last clean baby-grow and all I’ve got left are these sodding stupid button-up jeans designed and bought by someone who’s obviously never dressed (or met) a baby. And if the health visitor turns up and he’s in a nappy and a muslin cloth again she’ll probably take him away.

What you think: I can’t wait to cuddle you. And I can’t wait until you’re a few months old, and can cuddle me back. Real life: Oh. It’s like trying to wrestle an octopus.

What you think: It will be lovely to catch up on Netflix series and finally read Girl On A Train on my maternity leave. Real life: I may never read a book again. Or watch anything other than Baby TV.

What you think: I can’t wait to push my pram around looking like the coolest mum to ever grace this earth. Real life: I haven’t brushed my hair for roughly three weeks, I’m not sure I actually own anything other than these maternity leggings any more, and everyone is staring at me because a noise similar to the sound I imagine a tyrannosaurus rex would have made is omitting from my pram.

What you think: I’ll be able to book the parents for baby-sitting duties and resume my social life as it was after a few months. Real life: Haven’t slept in days. Weeks. Months. Years. Can’t be arsed to get dressed let alone put on makeup, leave house past 7pm and talk to other humans. On the upside, I have a good excuse to get out of absolutely anything. Bonus.

What you think: We will stroll leisurely around Waitrose shopping for organic baby food, fresh fruit and free coffees. Real life: We'll head to Waitrose for our free coffee every single day to escape from the messy jumble of toys and laundry that used to be my home. But, after picking up a bottle of wine and a chocolate dipped flapjack I will have a monumental melt-down in the queue. At which point at least two people will advise me that I'm hungry and / or tired.

What you think: I will fill their nursery with tasteful, neutral toned wooden toys that will all coordinate with the tasteful décor. Real life: I didn’t actually know you could fit so much brightly coloured plastic crap in one space.

What you think: I know one thing for sure, I certainly won’t let my baby (delete as appropriate) sleep in bed with me / cry it out / feed to sleep / watch the ipad / have a dummy. Real life: I will let my baby do absolutely anything he wants for just five minutes of sweet, blissful peace.

What you think: It can’t be that hard, can it? Real life: Yes. Harder.

What you think: I will love you so much that it will physically hurt every time I look at you, think about you, leave you or come back to you. Real life: I will love you so much that it will physically hurt every time I look at you, think about you, leave you or come back to you.