If you’re experiencing super vivid dreams about your ex right now, you’re not alone

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  • Yep, strange dreams are back, with Google search for 'vivid dreams' up 148% since the third lockdown announcement

    Fun fact: the last year has seen many of you get in touch with former partners. According to surveys by eharmony and the Kinsey Institute, one in five people heard from exes during the first lockdown, with Google searches for ‘why am I dreaming about my ex?’ shooting up 2,450 per cent.

    Whether you’re dreamign about your ex or not, time around isn’t much different, with Google searches for ‘vivid dreams’ up 148% since Bo-Jo’s announcement of a third lockdown. So, we asked best-selling author Nicola Rayner and love and relationship counselor Cate Mackenzie to explain a little about the effect living through a situation of collective trauma can have on the brain – and your dreams.

    “It’s a bit like trauma bonding,” explains Cate. “We’re in a situation of collective trauma, which can stir up sentiment and lead us to long for the past, so it makes sense that this is becoming more of a mass phenomenon and that so many people are reaching out to someone from their past.”

    Keep reading for Nicola’s take on those vivid dreams.

    Why am I dreaming about my ex? 

    “Finishing my second novel, You and Me, in lockdown, I’ve thought a lot about ex-boyfriends and past loves in the last six months. The story follows Fran, a lonely woman in her thirties, who’s still infatuated with Charles, the golden boy from school. After a fatal accident throws them together, Fran is convinced that Charles – who is happily married – will finally see the light and realise she is “the one”,” explains Nicola.

    “Some characters you have to work hard to develop, chiselling away at them, but Fran arrived in my imagination clear and fully formed, as if I already knew her. She was inspired by an anecdote I’d heard from a friend, but also my own intense infatuations in adolescence and my early twenties. Like most of us, I’ve had a relationship or two I’ve found difficult to let go of and have, perhaps, held 

    on to for years longer than I should.”

    Why am I dreaming about my ex

    Author Nicola Rayner’s new book You and Me is out now

    “With hoarders, they say it’s about grief,” says Cate. “You can have emotional hoarding too. When we hold on to our exes for too long, there’s often a fear: if I let go, what will there be? It goes back to our relationship with our caregivers, our parents – there’s something about winning them over. It’s magical thinking: ‘If I get that person, it will all be fine.’ The truth is: it’s ourselves we have to get.”

    Her words strike a chord with Nicola. “In You and Me, Fran’s obsession is fuelled by her loneliness – she’s lost her mother and is estranged from her sister. In writing Fran, I drew upon my own formative experience of losing my father at 11 and the way I launched myself into passionate crushes, over the subsequent decade, that usually ended in tears.”

    Why am I experiencing such vivid dreams? 

    “It’s about looking for that love again and that sense of belonging,” says Cate. “What happens is we project our own soulful qualities on to other people. Jung called it the anima and the animus. He said that if you’re fantasising and imagining whole reams around someone you can’t have, then you should write down all the qualities you think they have and start to own them in yourself. What you’ve done is just projected your soul on to the other.”

    Should I reach out to someone if I dream about them?

    Are there times when reaching out to an ex can be a good thing? “I think, like anything, it’s not binary,” says Cate. “We all have a deep need to belong. It’s about adulting, facing our shadow. We all get that chance – though we don’t all take it – are we going to adult, be present, and take responsibility for our lives and where we are? When we hark back to the past, there’s usually something that’s not being faced.”

    why am I dreaming about me ex

    “If we don’t attend to the wounded part of us, it’ll come out. For example, with someone I know who looked up all her exes on Facebook during lockdown, there was part of her not feeling good: she didn’t have a job and she felt stuck in her marriage with the domestic life and children. Through reconnecting with old boyfriends – only quite mildly through Facebook – she realised it wasn’t about them; she needed to find more for herself and start to work again.”

     

     

    If you do feel the need to reconnecting with your ex? Make sure you’re constructing healthy boundaries. “Affairs with exes can be very complicated and difficult. Initially, limit the time you spend with them to around an hour and half,” Cate recommends. “Limit, limit, limit, limit. And, as Oprah used to say, have lunch with your ex. Don’t have dinner.”

    You and Me, Nicola Rayner’s new psychological thriller (Avon Books), is out now in paperback, ebook and audiobook

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