One Woman's Week In Digital Dating

What one week of dating looks like now...

Modern dating is batshit crazy.

It’s like speedating on MDMA spliced with elements of utter, unbridled lunacy. You can’t predict it, control it, or have any idea what kind of game the other person is playing, or, to be precise, how many they’re playing. And to be fair - that works both ways, and applies to all the sexes.

Sure it sounds like lols to your mates in relationships who squawk ‘Let me have a go on your Tinder thing,’ like it’s a game of Scrabble. (Er, they may swipe left on YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND. If they’re cool with that responsibility, then yeah, go for it, chum.)

So what is the reality of app dating? Well, I’ve always wondered how my experience matches up to to other peoples – and comparing my messages and interactions with friend’s means I know that what I’m dealing with is fairly standard stuff - a fact that's both terrifying and comical.

With new apps cropping up like bubonic plague – enter Double (for double dates), Fliqpic (weird picture dating, Bumble (the girls message the dudes, probably wise) and Once (your daily match picked by a matchmaker) – there’s a million ways to subject yourself to this slightly necessary evil.

So here is what a week in modern dating really looks like, brace yourselves...

The “Hellos” Ok Cupid and POF have the monopoly on ‘HYR BBZ’ messages from people who have seemingly been slighted by vowels.

But in this case, George has missed an entire word... special K? Maybe special fried rice? Pray, do tell George. Do tell....

You need a bit more than a 'hi or in this case, a 'hiya'. But if that doesn't work, go for 'hi sexy.' Ladies LOVE that. It always works.

Or you could always try telling people they need more beauty sleep :-O

The Ethnic Question It’s funny how a question like ‘where are you from?’ can mean so many things. Invariably, you have to explain - essentially - why you’re not white. This happens with alarming regularity online – either out of slightly ignorant curiosity or the subtext of them telling you they love an 'exotic' beauty.

This one below was my best yet - from a man whose profile picture was just a torso, nonetheless.

The Sexy Times These messages are always a pure joy and genuine comedy gold. Because I’m a bit Goth and wear red lipstick it’s quite often presumed I’d like to stand on men’s balls wearing 7inch Louboutins and flog them till they look like corned beef. That, or I'm just plain easy. Both come with hilarious conseqences....

The only thing that keeps me up at night is Netflix bae.

You should probably just get an Xbox if you're feeling playful. FIFA 16 is meant to be siiiiick, bro!

A hello might have been nice, before I submit to your enormo-peen.

I mean, how the hell did we get on to tennis?!

The Mean One Every now and then, you get a curveball that makes all the nice messages and awesome dates feel like they never happened. You’ve gotta remember that this person is quite likely to be mentally unstable or a sociopath - or their self esteem is so low they take any kind of rejection as a fatal blow.

A dude asked for my number after some fairly banal chat, and then wanted to know what my hidden talent was. I just jovially said “I’m Welsh so I can drink loads" thinking I was making a lol. Not funny, apparently. Not funny at all.

Just so everyone on the planet knows too - if you're chubbs you just have to take what you can get, according to this cretin. (FYI he messaged ME first, only to go on to insult me.) This sadly does happen a fair amount - just check out @byefelipe for more examples of this kind of weird, misplaced anger. Pity the lady who ends up with this 'gentleman.'

The Nice, Normal Ones So of course, I’ve started with the bad and the insane. In spite of the above, there are always a few genuine gems that you have to meet up with and see if there’s any chemistry. I’m keeping theirs private, natch.

Saying allll the right things. You can stay!

Again - nice, chilled normal. Universe, more of this please. And less of this, below.

Notes to all 1- A winky face does not negate anything you say in the previous message. 2 - Putting kisses after a message like that does not make it any less weird. 3- Why are women still getting messages like this when there is porn in the world. Just watch porn. OR get a real doll. Please, just spare us the silliness.

Despite all of the above, I'm still oddly hopeful about dating apps and their potential even though every week descends into a maelstrom of madness. Maybe I'm just deluded, but the 'possibility' of meeting somebody lovely still overrides all of the crazy.

So that's what a week of app dating looks like for me. How does it compare to yours? Drop me a line @marieclaireuk @itsmeanitab