“I Expected Men to Be Financial Providers, But Not Emotionally Safe”—What We Ask From Male Partners Has Changed, But Is It For Better or Worse?

Millennial women were raised to believe we could be financially independent, sexually liberated and equal partners to men, that we should do everything men did in relationships, adjusting our role to be both caregiver and financial provider. But this dynamic has made life more unequal for many women, not less.

We might be joint breadwinners, but we also do most of the housekeeping, childcare, admin, and emotional labour. Studies showing that women with successful careers still shoulder most of the ‘mental load’ at home only confirm what we already know all too well.

Our expectations of men have always been shaped by the generations that came before us. Gen X women grew up with third-wave feminism, which gave them the idea that liberation meant being independent, sexually confident and not needing too much from men. Millennials inherited much of this approach, but it mutated into the Cool Girl narrative: not relying on men, pretending we were chill in the face of misogyny, and doing everything we could to protect our hard-won financial freedoms.

Throughout my adult life, I’ve tried to hold onto a few basic expectations: kindness, respect, independence, fun and being someone who never says no to ice cream. But in my teens and early twenties, I often performed as a type of woman I wasn’t, for men who didn’t meet even my most fundamental needs.

Looking back, I realise my approach was shaped by what I didn’t want as much as by what I did. My grandma raised seven children while my grandad worked outside the home and controlled their finances. They never split a bill because only one of them had access to the money. Although they said this arrangement worked for them, I saw how restricted my grandma’s choices were.

It’s why I’ve always split the cost of dates 50/50, although friends just 10 years older than me baulk at the idea. And increasingly, I’m questioning whether this approach has any benefits at all.

To understand what’s changed, I spoke to three women from three generations—Gen X, millennial, and Gen Z—about what they were taught to expect from men, what they’ve had to unlearn, and what they refuse to compromise on.

“I expected men to be financial providers, but not emotionally safe, gentle or consistent” – Sarah Bale, 60, Gen X

I was taught to expect men to be the financial providers, but that they would also be volatile and unpredictable. My father provided financially, but he also gambled away money, lashed out, and caused deep fear in my Mum. Consequently, I was conditioned not to expect emotional safety, gentleness, or consistency from men. I expected financial provision, but alongside it, tension and fear.

Truthfully, I didn’t understand what independence meant when I was younger because I had never witnessed it. My mum stopped working after marriage, leaving her entirely dependent on my Dad. Independence wasn’t a concept or goal I grew up with; it was something I had to build blindly—out of necessity—later in life.

Having raised two daughters on my own while creating a stable home without any help from their father, I spent decades carrying the full burden. Now, with my current partner as the main provider, feeling looked after and safe for the first time in my adult life is profoundly healing. Provided there is mutual respect and kindness, being provided for does not diminish equality; I think it creates a complementary balance.

I wish I had expected far more emotional safety, gentleness and respect early on. At the same time, I wish I had expected less of the traditional ‘sole financial provider’ weight—if it comes bundled with resentment.

“I think millennial women realised they could build a wonderful life for themselves—alone.” – Kasey Robinson, 35, Millennial

Looking back, I think I learned a lot about what a ‘good relationship’ looks like from TV; I was a Disney princess kid and raised on Friends and ’00s romcoms. They taught me that if a man wants to, he will run to the end of the earth for you; he will interrupt his day to bring you flowers and coffee and spoil you with new shoes and romantic dinners out in the city. In reality, the grown women in my life did nothing but complain about men, pine for men, cry about men and make excuses for them. It felt like watching two opposite worlds attempt to collide, and there were times when I couldn’t work out why men and women were together at all, since it seemed so few of them had anything nice to say about the other. It made me feel sorry for women and utterly confused about men.

It wasn’t until my early 30s that I really started to understand that I could give myself everything I wanted and have a full and rich life. If a man showed up who added to my life, then that was great. If he didn’t, I would be OK.

After being in long-term relationships, I learned (sometimes the hard way) that 50/50 just wasn’t possible. Men didn’t have the emotional skills to meet me where I was, so I often felt like I was doing all the heavy lifting there. I also learned that sometimes, when things are healthy, 50/50 just doesn’t make sense. Sometimes, it needs to be 60/40, 70/30. Sometimes, your partner is going through a really tough time, so it might even be 90/10. Those days are hard, but that’s what true love and companionship is in my eyes.

I think that millennial women who married early and then divorced, or who are choosing singledom, are right in the sense that they listened to bits of positive messaging that we got around independence and realised that they could build a wonderful life for themselves alone. I also think that it's fair, normal and entirely sensible that many women are angry, upset and frustrated about the men in their lives or the men that they’re dating.

“I was taught to expect respect and support—now I just expect to get ghosted” – Nell Davies, 24, Gen Z

My parents are my benchmark for a healthy relationship. They’re always on the same team, they share their finances, recognise one might do certain things a bit better than the other (my Dad is a lovely cook, my Mum specialises in beans on toast) and seem to function through picking up the chores each does best, while both filling in where needed. I was taught to expect respect, support and emotional intelligence from men, through seeing this between my parents.

I realised when I started dating, and during my first relationship in particular, that my sense of self and security could be fragile, and was determined heavily by my partner’s actions. I think what I have learnt to expect—rather than what I should expect from a male partner—has changed since starting to date. I assumed decent men would be the average, but that feels difficult to come by. I have come to expect being ghosted—not chased by a charming prince like my Grandma said I would.

I often clash with my cousin, who is my age. He says he aspires towards a dynamic in which he—as the man in a heterosexual relationship—would be the provider, and in return his female partner will stay at home, do the housework and have a meal on the table for when he gets home.

In my friendship group, there are more women not dating than are dating, at the minute. They are focusing on their own careers and what they want to do. I think for a lot of us, [romance] is quite low down on the list. My friends have all had some quite negative experiences and have come to expect less from men.

I think it's really positive that so many Gen Z women are focusing on being whole human beings on their own. For women and girls younger than me, or even my younger self, my advice would be to be wary [about dating], which is really sad. And actually it's men who need advice rather than women, because even basic communication from men has become a luxury.

Women: Expect More

Across generations, we have been taught to expect different things from men, particularly around finances, gender roles and domestic and emotional labour. But speaking to these three women, I was struck by how much we have in common. Despite our vastly different dating landscapes, the underlying lesson is the same: women have been conditioned to expect too little from men, while being pressured to lower the bar whenever we manage to raise it.

The utopian dating landscape many of us hoped we were paving for Gen Z hasn’t materialised. If anything, we’ve seen protest, pushback and regression. Women are less willing to settle for the bare minimum, but too many men remain unwilling to meet them halfway. We find ourselves at a frustrating impasse: women know they want more, but the world of dating has yet to catch up. Society blames young women for so-called sex recessions, male loneliness and fertility crises, as though these are our crosses to bear alone. Until, collectively, we recognise that women’s refusal to accept unequal relationships is not a problem to be solved by lowering our expectations, this stasis will persist.

So, what now? There is one clear lesson to take from all three women: expect more. Emotional regulation, communication, empathy, responsibility… This doesn’t mean returning to a model where men provide financially in exchange for women doing everything else, but a meaningful contribution to relationships, emotionally as well as practically, cannot be too much to ask for.