I Love My Fiancé, but I Resent the Emotional Labour of Planning Our Wedding

“Evelyn has spoken,” my fiancé texted my dad after I had made yet another wedding decision, as though I’d issued a royal decree.

It was harmless, but it struck a nerve. Somewhere between getting engaged and getting married, I had become the default decision-maker for our wedding – not only with my fiancé, but for family, friends and suppliers too. If everyone was waiting for my final answer, was it fair that I was then characterised as the one ‘laying down the law’?

It’s the “bridezilla” paradox: brides are expected to care about every detail, keep track of every invoice and ultimately make the decisions. But be too decisive, and suddenly you’re controlling, demanding or taking your big day far too seriously. Funny how rarely we hear the term “groomzilla”.

“Bridezilla” dates back to at least 1995, when someone decided the natural comparison for a woman taking ownership of her wedding was, apparently, Godzilla. Wedding culture expects brides to be beautiful, gracious and effortlessly feminine; express a firm opinion, and you’re recast as a rampaging monster.

I’m getting married next month, and while I cannot wait, I hadn’t anticipated that getting engaged would come with an unwanted promotion. Somewhere along the way, I was appointed Head of Nuptials, family liaison and resident expert on matters I had previously given precisely zero thought to.

What exact shade of tie should my father-in-law wear? Should our napkins have raw or hemmed edging? How many trestle tables are “too many”? Do we want goblets or wine glasses?

I made it through almost three decades without strong feelings about the relative merits of drinking vessels. Yet here I was, apparently uniquely qualified to make the call.

When did our equal relationship acquire a project manager?

My fiancé does help, after we spoke about the imbalance, he became much better at liaising with suppliers and taking practical jobs off my list. But almost every question requiring an actual decision still comes to me.

He can follow up on things, but I’m still expected to determine what we want. When I ask for his opinion, he will often say: “But I don’t mind.”

The problem is, neither do I. But a decision still has to be made, and “I don’t mind” transfers responsibility for making it to me.

There’s a difference between sharing tasks and sharing the mental load. One person can book a supplier; someone still has to anticipate what needs doing, remember the details and know what comes next.

That’s how an otherwise equal, modern relationship can suddenly begin to look traditional. This isn’t unique to us. A study of recently married and engaged Norwegian millennials found that, even within a generation raised with greater expectations of equality, women often undertook most of the wedding work and were treated as the people who should know what was required.

In her book Consumerism, Romance and the Wedding Experience, sociologist Sharon Boden suggests that women may come to see men as less competent at wedding planning, while men accept a “sign-off” role because weddings are perceived as a feminine domain. His passivity can then be taken as proof that she naturally cares more, rather than evidence that only one of them has been expected to develop an opinion.

Therapist and author Marisa Peer says dividing tasks doesn’t necessarily divide that underlying responsibility. “If you then have to remind [your partner], check what they’ve done or tell them how you want it done, you haven’t really handed over the mental load; you’ve simply become their manager.”

Apparently, it’s the bride’s job to know everything

It isn’t only partners who reinforce these roles. *Sophie, who is getting married next year, noticed this when her wedding planner created a group chat named “Sophie’s wedding 2027”.

Yet while the wedding industry automatically positions Sophie as the authority, that same authority is treated differently elsewhere. At work, colleagues frequently ask whether she has become a bridezilla.

“When I plan, manage and execute tasks at work, I’m seen as a ‘top performer’ who’s ‘highly organised’, but when brides apply the same standard to their weddings, it’s somehow ridiculed,” she says.

Therein lies the unwinnable logic: appoint the bride project manager, direct every enquiry to her and expect her to have an answer. Then, once she behaves suspiciously like a project manager, accuse her of becoming a bridezilla.

Sociologist Dr Julia Carter argues that this “bridezilla” label helps police how women exercise the temporary authority afforded to them as brides. Her research suggests that wedding culture demands extreme organisation alongside perfectly controlled emotion.

You can’t win the ‘bridezilla’ game

Declining the role doesn’t necessarily help.

Before her wedding in 2024, *Nadia’s future mother-in-law sent her pictures of 13 potential hats and fascinators, demanding her opinion on each. Nadia didn’t care what she wore, so she repeatedly said they looked nice in the hope that she would simply choose one.

Her fiancé then received a call from his mother complaining that Nadia was being “far too picky” and “bossy”.

“The accusation came out of left field, as I was actually being the opposite,” Nadia says. “‘Bossy’ is a really charged term, and I felt hurt by it.”

Marisa says women are expected to care enormously and ensure every detail is right, but when that responsibility manifests as “stress, decisiveness or frustration”, they can suddenly be labelled demanding or controlling.

“But we don’t tend to use the same language when a man is highly invested in an event he is helping to organise,” she says.

I don’t resent my fiancé, but I do resent that he has been allowed to become my deputy while I’ve been cast as our wedding’s chief executive. I resent that “I don’t mind” is a valid answer for him, while I’m expected to form an opinion. Most of all, I resent how naturally our equal relationship slipped into roles neither of us consciously chose.

“Evelyn has spoken” was a joke, but somebody did have to speak. Everyone was waiting for an answer and, as usual, they were waiting for it from the bride.

I don’t believe brides inherently care more about napkins or tablecloths; I think we’re just not allowed to be the one to say: “I don’t mind.”

*Names changed

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