“It felt like the whole world was anticipating celebrating and we were anticipating death.”

I lost my father to cancer three years ago and in the midst of deep grief, I turned to a small group of friends who had all lost their fathers in different ways at different ages. We became the ‘Dead Dads Club’ and together helped each other to navigate loss and muddle through many ‘firsts’—the first Christmas, the first birthday…and all the much smaller things that can suddenly pounce out of nowhere, triggering grief all over again. I asked the ‘Dead Dads Club’ members to share their own stories of their first Christmases without their fathers, and to share their advice about how to get through if you or a friend is experiencing loss for the first time, at this particularly heightened time of the year.

*Bea’s father died 8 years ago

“The first Christmas is the hardest. We opted for the radical alternative as none of us could face Christmas at the family home, so we all headed to India. It was probably all denial and avoidance but it did work as a distraction even though it was all very weird. After that, we did something different every year with a sort of restlessness. We rented a house, my sister’s boyfriend’s place, anything to avoid the absence. I’m not sure any of it worked but there is no right answer so it was as good as any. I always have very positive memories of Christmas with Dad, it was one of the few days a year when he didn’t work and would be relaxed and fun, I’m sure the wine helped. We would play a card game which everyone could play, even when we were quite little and it was always hilarious. He’d take us on a walk in the morning to get holly to put on the top of the pudding, originally this was to get us out of the house whilst all the cooking went on, but it became one of the nicest traditions. We’ve still not done that again eight years later.”

*Louisa’s father died 12 years ago

“My Dad died on the 17th of December. It felt like the whole world was anticipating celebrating and we were anticipating death. It took him ten days to die and then what the hell are you supposed to do for Christmas? We had to do gruesome things like talk to an undertaker before he was actually dead because everything closes over Christmas and New Year. It’s horrendous at any time but I think there’s a particular poignancy at Christmas. That first Christmas—we were a week in and I can’t tell you much about it—I can’t really remember it. It was just horrible because we were trying to plan a funeral. For the second Christmas, which in a lot of ways felt like the first real Christmas without him, we came to friends’ in London; having Christmas in a completely different location really helped.”

*Jill’s father died four years ago

“I knew Christmas would be hard, I was expecting that. But what I wasn’t expecting was how hard New Year would hit. The idea of going into a New Year without him. I had a dream around that time, and in my dream I came downstairs and he was there with a big smile on his face, holding out a glass of Buck’s Fizz - he always got up early and he was so excited about Christmas and started pouring Buck’s Fizz before we’d even had a chance to have a cup of tea - and I felt this sense of joy and I said ‘oh you’re here!’ and he said ‘but I’m not, am I?’ and right there, in the middle of the dream I remembered he had died, and I woke up sobbing. It was the best and worst dream I’ve ever had. So my advice would be to have no expectations about how you’ll feel on any day—or even any moment—those feelings of devastation have a way of sneaking up on you. Luckily they do tend to lessen in frequency if not intensity, over time”

*Names have been changed

Advice from Laura and the Dead Dads Club at Christmas (and any time of the year)

• Drop someone a line to let them know you’re thinking of them - it doesn't have to be perfectly crafted or a beautiful handmade card. It can just be a simple text, something like: “I know you might be missing your dad and I’m sending love”. Adding “no need to reply” can be a nice way of taking the pressure off. This tiny act of kindness, even if it’s been years after a person died, can provide a little solace, knowing someone has remembered.
• And if your friend does reply, and if it feels appropriate, perhaps ask them to call you and tell you a funny story about the person who died. And then listen. This is the gift that Louise’s friend gave her and she said it was completely perfect.
• If you’ve suffered a loss, if you’re feeling heartbroken and alone when everyone else seems merry and bright, the Dead Dads Club send you our love.

Laura Coffey’s father inspired her to write a book, Enchanted Islands Travels through Myth & Magic, Love and Loss, which has been described as “ A spellbinding book about growing up, grieving and the gods." - Clare Pollard, author of Delphi”. It is available to buy now.