Brace yourself, says Olivia Foster, because not even a pandemic can stop the clichés coming your way
Valentine’s Day; a day of romance, flowers, M&S two-for-one meal deals and declarations of undying love. If you’re single, please tick box for a) texts from men you don’t fancy, b) mis-matched underwear and c) Netflix binge night.
Whether you’re a Valentine’s lover, hater or you’re totally indifferent to the Hallmark holiday, one thing’s for sure, at least one of the below will happen before the day is out. Sorry, we don’t make the rules.
You’ll Get A Mysterious Card From Your Mum
What’s that in your letterbox? A card in a red envelope? Signed from a mysterious admirer? Did it arrive just days after your mum’s text asking for a reminder of your address? Seems legit.
Plus Four Texts From Guys You Went On A Single Date With
These will range from a three-scroll epilogue about how, despite only meeting once, John, 35, from Essex, has actually realised you were perfect for one another, to a cursory, ‘U up?,’ from a guy you snogged outside a Be At One. And who cna blame him for trying.
And One Text From Your Ex-Boyfriend
There’s nothing great about this. If you ended on good terms it will only set you back a few weeks of pretending you can be friends. If you ended on bad terms, you’ll have to spend the day resisting the temptation to tell him to…
You Might Even Send Some Yourself…
Look, this is a no-judgement zone, you can’t help it if you have four glasses of Pinot Grigio and decide that you don’t want to spend the evening alone. Just make sure you’re not texting someone you’re going to regret. Yes, you know who. And no, they are NOT in your support bubble.
You’ll Be Served Sponsored Ads To Singles Nights
If you’ve ever wondered if your phone is listening to you, it will 100% be confirmed as you’re served ad after ad for special discouts on Deliveroo and yoga mats.
But At Least They’ll Break Up Your Instagram Feed
You’re not saying you’re not happy for Sarah and her engagement, but was it really necessary for her to post a 25-slide long Instagram announcement?