What Theresa was really thinking when Donald held her hand

So, THAT wasn’t the most embarrassing moment in the whole world ever. Oh wait a minute, YES IT WAS!!!

Yes, we’re still talking about when Donald just brushed against Theresa and then actually started HOLDING HER HAND. Even more horrific than when you walked in on your parents having sex and they had been divorced for ten years (aaaargh, my eyes!).

I mean, it’s not as if the whole thing wasn’t a little awkward to begin with, kind of like the worst date ever except with the potential for Armageddon attached. Theresa wore scarlet. Just picture her deciding what to wear in the bedroom at 10 Downing Street, clothes all over the floor, husband Philip lying on the bed in two day old PJs: ‘Oh what is it Philip? Stop sulking, I don’t fancy him, I just need to flirt a little bit. Plus he’s rich!!! Rich beyond our wildest dreams!!! Mwah hah hah!!! What do you think, the red suit with one of my nice scarves? What do you mean, cankles?! I hate you.’

Then the press conference. ‘Just keep smiling and looking at him. See, he’s a pussycat. This is easy. Special relationship, special relationship, special relationship – look into my eyes, not around my eyes, into the eyes… Oh look, there’s Laura Kuenssberg from the BBC. Hi Laura!! Cooeee!! It’s always very important to look like you have gal pals, just look at Taylor and her squad. That’s me and Laura alright, #squadgoals and all that good stuff. Hang on, wait a minute, why is she asking him about torture? No!!! I think he’s going off me already. Thanks a bloody bunch Laura. Oh shit, now he’s actually agreeing that he thinks torture is a good idea. “Enhanced interrogation”, WTF? Oh god, oh god, it’s all going wrong. But he’s so rich and we’ve just got a special relationship and everything – just put your fingers in your ears and say la la la.’

‘Phew thank god that’s over. But wait, what’s this? He’s holding my hand. I’ve gone too far. He thinks I fancy him. Heeelllllppppp!!!! Philllliiiiiippppp!!!!! What, now he’s trying to pretend that he was just “helping me down the slope”.? Please. He loves me.’

Silence while rest of world looks on and pukes

Reading now

Popular