‘Is your baby sleeping through the night?’ And other questions only smug parents enjoy

…Plus how to answer them. (Through gritted teeth.)

‘Is your baby sleeping through the night’. The first question smug mothers ask you, as they swish freshly blow-dried hair and take off their coat that doesn’t have baby vomit on it. Their baby is sleeping through. And if you answer ‘no’, they will give a sad, pitiful smile, tell you not to worry, and give you a piece of advice as to what ‘always works for them’.

Dear smug parents, NO, my baby is not sleeping through the night. He will when he’s ready. And I don’t want to leave him to cry / start him on formula / give him a dummy / take away his dummy or whatever else I am failing to do. So please, please stop asking.

Oh, and while we’re at it, don’t ask me these other questions only smug parents enjoy, either.

1. ‘Do you think he’s hungry?’ Who the hell knows.

2. ‘Do you think he needs a nap?’ Who the hell knows.

3. ‘Does he have a dirty nappy?’ PROBABLY.

4.  ‘Does he ever stop crying?!’ Weirdly, whenever you leave.

5. ‘God, is colic awful? It sounds awful. I can’t imagine as Freddie was such a happy little baby.’ No, it’s really fun watching your baby scream for hours and not being able to help them.

Moron.

6. ‘What do you mean you don’t have a regular schedule? I’m a big believer that children need routine.’ I bought him a week-to-view diary for Christmas but the sorry little bean refuses to stick to plans.

7. ‘Poor thing is he teething? We just woke up one day and four teeth had appeared. No crying, nothing.’ Yes. He’s teething. And in quite a lot of pain. That’s it, open his mouth to have a look. Oh sorry, yes – he does bite sometimes.

8.  ‘How do you cope without regular naps?’ I never said I didn’t nap…

9. ‘What is even IN those pre-made baby food pouches? I’ve only given mine freshly-made meals.’ It’s mostly salt, sugar, a little arsenic and some powdered glass. All organic though.

10. ‘Oh, isn’t he crawling yet?’ No, we don’t encourage active play. But he has seen the entire six series of Gossip Girl. Twice.

11. ‘Can she talk yet? Mine has a very full vocabulary already, it’s quite ridiculous.’ He’s started saying a few words but weirdly only says things that Peppa Pig says. No idea why.

12.  ‘You’re drinking wine? Gosh you must be finding it hard to cope!’ Only with talking to you.