'Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence'
If you think a good single man is impossible to find then you clearly haven’t been on Craigslist recently, where a highly eligible new ‘sugar daddy’ has just put himself on the market.
The man in question is mature, financially solvent, has his own set of wheels and he wants to whisk one very lucky lady off to the VIP section of Coachella for your first date!
‘Wow! What’s the catch?’ I hear you cry!
Well… there are a few little catches. Said ‘sugar daddy’ (who calls himself Gordon in the advert) has included some highly specific criteria for his festival date. Despite being 56 himself, the first stipulation is that the lucky lady is ‘between the ages of 19 and 25’ – so all you blue rinse brigade 26-year-olds better not bother applying.
Here’s his introduction…
‘Ok here’s the deal. I have a VIP Pass for Weekend 2. I’m willing to give it away for free to the right person. I’m looking for a travel “companion” that can enjoy the festival with me and just have a good time. I left my job as Supervising Manager at Soup Plantation and subsequently divorced my wife of 11 years. I cashed out my 401k and decided that moving forward, my life is all about having fun! No more team meetings, no more employee evaluations, no more balance sheets, no more darn conference calls at 7am. JUST FUN! I have a room at the Tropics Motor Motel in Indio Thursday through Monday. If you believe you can meet the below criteria, please shoot me an email and describe why you think you make the best fit. I appreciate your time and look forward to finding the right “one”!’
Gordon, who writes that he’s recently divorced his wife and left his job, goes on to issue a full list of sexy demands for the Coachella weekend, including carrying out all personal grooming ‘toenail clipping’ in his presence and allowing him to brush your hair once a day. What do you mean ‘creepy’?
Here’s the list:
1. Must be female between the ages of 19 and 25
2. Must be comfortable traveling in a Recreational Vehicle (Vintage Shasta Chinook 3100 – pic attached).
3. Must have fashionable sense of style in the vein of typical coachella goer (i.e. cute indian headband, small ripped jean shorts, lots of colorful bracelets, etc).
4. Preferably have a playlist of various Coachella artists on phone we can listen to on ride over.
5. Must keep hands and feet moisturized at all times.
6. Must be open-minded and opportunistic.
7. Must be ok with periodic hand-holding (perhaps during certain sensual songs and while walking into the festival initially).
8. Fingernails and Toenails must be nicely painted and harmonious with general color scheme of outfit.
9. I will provide snacks such as beef jerky and peanut butter sandwiches but if you have additional snacks and/or drinks…BIG BONUS!
10. Being social is fine but no excessive fraternizing with other male festival-goers, and most definitely NO PUBLIC AFFECTION with other festival-goers (violation of this rule results in immediate removal of Tropic Motor Motel room privileges and maybe even return ride).
11. Periodic moments of extended eye contact.
12. Allow me to brush your hair once per day (not mandatory, but encouraged).
13. Must not be into drugs, pot ok.
14. Must take a minimum of four photos of us together and post them to your Instigram account.
15. Any personal grooming such as toenail clipping, eyebrow plucking or lipstick application must be done in my presence.
16. At least once during festival, you must allow me to carry you on my shoulders so you can see stage better (perfect time for instigram photo!)
17. At least twice during the festival you must tell me in a playful manner that “I am naughty”.
18. At some point in time during the festival you must tell me that “you didn’t know how this would go, but you’re actually having a really good time”.
19. At least once during our stay after your shower, you must use the steam to write a cute message on the bathroom mirror for me to find later when I shower.
20. Must be ready to party and HAVE FUN!
For an orderly queue, ladies…