It’s time to try out the sex tips you didn’t even know you needed. From role play to technique perfectors, we asked the best experts for some inspiring advice on a between-the-sheets reboot
Words by Rebecca Newman
1. Get on edge
One discovery from award-winning sexual education website OMGYes is the power of edging – or repeatedly nearing orgasm then pulling back just before it happens. For two thirds of women, edging builds longer, more intense orgasms. Explore it during solo or mutual masturbation, during love-making, whenever you like.
‘There are three variations of edging,’ says Emily Lindin of OMGYes. The first is ‘pausing’, in which you stop what you’re doing during sex, cool down and start again. The second is ‘distraction’, for instance you take time out to kiss, or to take up a different position before resuming. The third is ‘continuous’ edging, in which you shift your touch slightly as you approach climax until the feeling quietens a bit, then bring yourself closer, then back. Do this several times before finally letting go.’
2. Respin a favourite
While there are endless terms for sexual positions, many of them are just variations on the basic missionary, cowgirl, rear entry. So why not just explore the myriad twists you can add to your old favourites? ‘Notice when you get into patterns, and explore the opposite,’ says sexual therapist Mike Lousada. ‘If you like slow sex, then speed it up.’ So, whisper in your lover’s ear, or text them that tonight you want to try things super slow. Or that you’ve brought a toy to play with. ‘Try using lubrication – it changes the quality of touch,’ adds sex coach Sarah Rose Bright of Sensualhealingharmony.com. ‘Massage his testicles and perineum (the area between the anus and the penis), pulling and squeezing,’ even tickling his skin while you are in your favourite position. You might try a vibrator you can wear during love-making, such as the We-Vibe 4 (£106 at lovehoney.co.uk). Or use a butt plug while in doggy (check out the ceramic anal toy Livia, which should be nuzzled into place with a water-based lube such as Anal H20 – £140 and £12 at pureeros.com).
3. Go solo, then share
‘We all have go-to masturbation techniques,’ says Lindin. After interviewing more than 2,000 women, OMGYes discovered that ‘breaking away from the routine to explore other styles of touch can improve pleasure for the rest of your life.’ If, say, you like to work directly on your clitoris, try stimulating it indirectly by moving your fingers on your labia. Explore coming on your own in a way you haven’t before, then share this new technique with your partner. While it may feel weird at first, realise it’s not all about you – think of how happy your partner will be to find a new way to bring you to climax.
4. Talk out of bed
This can be daunting, but it can also be most rewarding: put a date in your diary just to talk. Pour a glass of wine, sit down and set aside an hour to discuss what you need more or less of; what things you love and what things he might be doing that don’t do it for you. Then, let him have his say. Be brave. Perhaps clarify the words you speak during love-making (‘When I say, “Stay there!” I mean, “Stay there!”’). It may be worth making an honest appraisal of your sex drive, and what affects it – from the time of day, work stress and tiredness to your time of the month. This might even stretch to how his failing to put his plates in the dishwasher kills your mood stone dead, but his fixing the brake on your bike is weirdly hot.
You may also consider talking about how the kind of stimulation you want changes. Lindin says, ‘A specific type of touch might feel awesome for you one day, and a different variation is better the next day.’ Discuss how best to communicate this next time you are in the heat of the moment.
5. Go multiple
Instead of finishing at your first (hard-won) orgasm, why not try working towards having more? ‘Many women think they have to stop after their first orgasm, because the kind of touch that led to it is uncomfortable after climax,’ says Lindin. ‘We found in our OMGYes research that many women realise, usually in later life, they should treat their body after the first orgasm like it’s new, with different likes and dislikes. And there are specific ways they like to touch after the first orgasm to rebuild to multiples, often going back to the stimulation they used in the initial warm-up.’
You might continue with a ‘palm hug’, cupping your genital area with a warm hand to exert gentle pressure. Other approaches include stroking in large circles over the labia, downward swipes from the top of your hood to the bottom or slow, clockwise ovals that glide over your hood skin.
6. Recreate the first time
It may sound obvious but try replaying a sex scenario from your first weeks of dating. Or re-enact one of your first sexual experiences from before you met. Was it with that hot guy from the year above, him kissing you up against a wall; a moment of passion in a bathroom while there were people waiting outside? Recreate the scene: tell your partner you have a fantasy about them being your first kiss, and plan it. (You might meet in a bar and dance together a while, then he pushes you to the edge of the room, raises your hands over your head, runs his fingertips down your body to pinch your nipples hard etc.)
Or play with the scenario in your head and immerse yourself in that heightened first-time excitement. Lousada adds, ‘If you act like you are experiencing the electric feelings you remember from the early days, you will feel them all over again.’
7. The adoration ritual
The essence of this ritual is that you take complete control of a love-making session, guiding your partner every step of the way. ‘Design an experience that will make you feel divine,’ says tantric coach Elena Angel. ‘Is there a sensation you’d like to explore? A setting you’d love to find yourself in?’ It may be that you want your partner to kiss every inch of your body before sex. Or you might ask them to dress up as a soldier and give you cunnilingus all afternoon. Whatever it may be, this is your time. Discuss your fantasies with your partner beforehand. It’s a good idea to plan a whole afternoon or evening, so there’s no time pressure. And of course choose a day when they are worshipped in return.
8. Climax creatively
This one is about rekindling the experimentation of the early days by bringing each other to orgasm in creative ways that don’t involve penetrative sex.
‘Make a list by yourself of everything you think might turn you on. Be specific, using words like licking or sucking a specific body part in a certain way,’ say MJ Barker and Justin Hancock, authors of Enjoy Sex (How, When And If You Want To) (£7.99, Icon Books). ‘Take the pressure off if you don’t fancy writing it out by instead sharing fiction excerpts, images or video clips that involve a technique you would like to try.’
During your session, take the focus away from penetration by using one or two of these techniques on each other. It will bring you both back to that inventive state you enjoy when you first take one another’s clothes off. It’s about trying to climax in a different way instead of falling back on what you know.