How not to write a porno

The man behind the hilarious podcast My Dad Wrote A Porno shares his advice on how not to write erotica

Interview by Tracy Ramsden

When Jamie Morton’s dad wrote an ‘erotic’ novel called Belinda Blinked, he and his friends, Alice Levine and James Cooper, set about reading each excruciating chapter aloud. The resulting podcast, My Dad Wrote A Porno, has had 18 million downloads. Yes, Morton is an expert on bad porn…

#1 Choose a pen name readers will take seriously My dad writes under the nom de plume of Rocky Flintstone. Surely the whole point is that you want to get people excited and turned on? I don’t think Rocky Flintstone does that, so he was on to a losing streak before he’d even written a word.

#2 Don’t compare female anatomy to fruit or veg ‘Belinda looked at Giselle who nodded and, in a leisurely fashion and with a big hint of tease, unbuttoned the rest of her blouse. Her tits hung freely like pomegranates.’ When you’re writing an erotic novel, your primary purpose is to turn people on. Pomegranates aren’t doing that. Nobody wants to imagine hanging fruit when they’re thinking about breasts.

#3 Don’t forget the names of your characters ‘“That was interesting Belinda,” said Donna.’ This ‘Donna’ is actually Bella. Call me a traditionalist, but I think characters should have continuity. But not for my dad – he called her Donna for a few sentences before reverting back to Bella.

#4 Make sexual descriptions physically possible ‘It only took Peter Rouse 25 seconds to remove his clothes and position himself beside Belinda on the bed. He grabbed her cervix.’ If you’re writing a sex scene, make things possible in the real world. Grabbing a cervix is not only very painful-sounding, it is also categorically impossible – we asked a doctor.

#5 Set your book in a sexy world ‘“Peter, could we position some of our pots and pans in your supermarkets?’ “Absolutely,” Peter replied. “We’ve just ordered 3,000 units of your Oxy Brillo range.”’ I think Rocky really wanted to write a business and leadership manual. He chose the world of pots and pans when he could have set his book somewhere remotely sexy like, I don’t know, lingerie sales. But, no.

My Dad Wrote A Porno on Acast at Acast.com