New Study Says There Are Only Four Types Of Drunks: Which One Are You?

Whether you tend to fall asleep on a pillow of beermats by 9:30pm, or spend the whole night dancing in the centre of the room (even when the music stops), turns out, you're not alone...

Think back to the last time you got drunk. (Don’t try and pretend that’s a challenge – we all know it was two days ago.)

Were you:

A) Knocking back shot after shot after shot, until you run out of money and decide to go home – before waking up with a hangover so debilitating that it knocks you out for the rest of the weekend, even though you ‘weren’t even that wasted’.

B) Separated from your friends and surrounded by lairy strangers – so keen were you to clamber up onto the bar stool and serenade the crowd with a lyrically inaccurate rendition of Taylor Swift’s Bad Blood. All before falling asleep in the corner five minutes later.

C) Perhaps in a bar. Perhaps not. You really don’t remember the exact series of events – or how you got home from them – but judging from the bruise on your upper thigh and traffic cone you found in your bathtub the next morning, you’re assuming you had a great time. Even if your boyfriend has suddenly stopped replying to your texts, and there appear to be mascara tear-trails down your face.

D) In the pub car park, holding your mate’s hair back as she throws up into a public recycling bin, before slurrily convincing the Uber driver that she’s totally sober enough to get into a cab. Meanwhile, two of your friends have stopped talking to each other, and it’s up to you to act as mediator – just as soon as you finish that glass of wine, obviously.

According to a new study by the University of Missouri – Columbia, this is one quiz where you’re unlikely to answer ‘all of the above’. Because apparently there are only four ‘types of drunks’: the Ernest Hemingway, the Nutty Professor, the Mr Hyde and the Mary Poppins.

A) ERNEST HEMINGWAY
If you’re the last one standing at the end of the night, able to knock back a bottle of wine and still walk in a straight line, or can’t quite remember the last time you woke up the next morning with a feeling of regret, you’re an Ernest Hemingway. ‘Members stand out as being ‘less affected’ than drinkers in some of the other groups,’ explain the researchers who came up with the terms. ‘Much like the author Ernest Hemingway, who claimed that he could “drink hells any amount of whiskey without getting drunk”.’

B) NUTTY PROFESSOR
One glass of wine, and you can feel yourself becoming more interesting. Two glasses of wine, and you can feel yourself becoming louder, too. Three glasses of wine, and you’re chatting up the barman, making your friends listen to your eighth rant about your ex that evening, and persuading strangers to join you for a mass sing-a-long – even though it’s not karaoke night. A fifth of all people surveyed fall into this category – but men are more susceptible than women.

C) MR HYDE
Black outs, memory loss and that sinking feeling of ‘Oh God what did I do last night?’ are all characteristics of a Mr Hyde. And if you’re the kind of person to start arguments with your boyfriend, burst into tears because you have to queue to get into a nightclub or steal 15 pint glasses from the pub to ‘restock’ your kitchen, you’re likely to fit the bill. ‘A tendency of being particularly less responsible, less intellectual, and more hostile when under the influence of alcohol than they are when they are sober,’ say the researchers of those who fall into this category.

D) MARY POPPINS
Sure, you get a bit drunk from time to time, but it doesn’t make you annoying – or self involved. Meaning that when your friends get into a bit of a state, it’s down to you to pick up the pieces. ‘The Mary Poppins group of drinkers essentially captures the sweet, responsible drinkers who experience fewer alcohol-related problems,’ explain the University researchers, adding that only 15 per cent of those surveyed could be categorised as such.

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