The 100 Best Peep Show Quotes Of All Time: The Definitive List

Get ready to cry with laughter...

The best comedy series of all time has commenced its final hurrah, bringing Mark and Jez back into our lives for some inevitable mishaps, incredible one-liners and awkward encounters.

The show has produced some of the best lines that have ever been uttered on TV, from the utterly tragic to the painfully cringeworthy, and always with a healthy dose of sarcastic, witty, dry humour.

It’s the quintessential British comedy and we love it as much as ever, years and years after it first began.

So without further ado, here are some of our absolute favourites (but we really could carry on forever)…

I’m sorry if you assume that I eat red meat and don’t necessarily think money or Tony Blair are a bad thing, but if there isn’t room here for people who stand against everything you believe in, then what sort of a hippy free-for-all is this?

If text kisses were real kisses, the world would be an orgy.

Nothing means anything to you, does it? Friendship, loyalty – they’re just fusty old words like sixpence and codpiece to you, aren’t they?

I really don’t think you could call my life a failure – look at that, I’ve got a sleeping bag and a duvet. If this was the olden days, I’d be a billionaire!

He’s not a mature student, he’s been a loan manager for the last five years. He lives with me and he eats ready meals and we play ‘Guess the Revels’ and watch Men In Black on our massive telly and we have a Fucking. Good. Time.

I would literally stab a baby to do it.

Looking at porn is like lying to Parliament. It used to be wrong but now it’s all a big laugh.

I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.

My mate and your woman have just gone off to f*** each other. What are we gonna do now? Go and make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea? Is that what you want? Because that’s what’s gonna happen.

I do sort of like it when he’s rude to me. Hopefully that’s more a psychological defect than a weird sexual thing.

The Beastie Boys fought and possibly died for my right to party.

You’ve had your fun with the sectioning. There’s going to be no more sectioning today.

It’s fine. Luckily we’re all English so no-one’s going to ask any questions. Thank you, centuries of emotional repression!

Maybe he’s on acid or watched a whole Jeremy Kyle.

People like Coldplay and voting for the Nazis, you can’t trust people.

I’m just a normal functioning member of the human race and there’s no way anyone can prove otherwise.

Your market research is Field of Dreams? I mean, a man who made a baseball pitch in his garden for ghosts? That’s your role model?

I’ve been turning this thing over and over in my head like a bloody horrible pancake.

There are many things I would do to help you. But digging a hole in the wintry earth with my bare hands so that you can bury the corpse of a dog you killed is not one of them.

Why won’t that stupid bitch let me propose to her?

I’m not marrying out of spite, I’m marrying out of fear. There’s a very big difference.

I’ve been initiated. I am a drug user! Fuck the police!

He actually thinks he has suave spermatozoa. He characterises his sperm.

Hang on, so you’re saying you could rape me but you couldn’t make love to me? That is just so you. That is you all over.

We have something special! We can’t throw all that away just because I spy on you!

So unhappy… I wonder if anyone has ever been this unhappy while drinking champagne.

Stealing things just makes everything very cheap. Plus, you know how I feel about capitalism.

Isn’t it convenient that out of the approximately three billion adult women in the world, your one true love happens to live in the same block of flats as you, instead of in a village in Mozambique?

Okay, so I’ve ‘dumped’ my sister. That’s great. That feels good. I’m intrigued to see what I’m gonna do next. Maybe I’ll ring up Grandad, and tell him I think he’s a boring twat.

NO TURKEY? YOU FUCKING IDIOT JEREMY! YOU TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT! THAT WAS YOUR JOB YOU FUCKING MORON! YOU CRETIN! YOU’RE A FUCKHEAD! THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE; A FUCKING SHITHEAD!

Come on fate, this can’t be right. Don’t fist me again, fate.

How dare you say I’ve never been in love? Just because I’ve never been to Zimbabwe to buy someone a fucking cake!

Right, therapy. What do I really want from therapy? A harsh, unremitting stare at the bare facts of my actual life. Ah, fuck that, he’s eating a Twix! I can’t take him seriously.

Oh God she is just so lovely and she doesn’t even realise it. Probably no one’s ever told her. I should tell her!! No, don’t tell her. If she realises, I’m finished.

Look at me, friends with a big black businessman like it’s the most natural thing in the world!

They can laugh but I win because they think I’ve pissed myself. They have no idea I came all in my pants.

Oh right. I see. I get it. You were lampooning me. It was a simple lampoon.

A little bit of me has died, but you know what? A lot of me doesn’t give a shit.

Women don’t like your hands under their bottoms, Mark. That’s been established, that’s a given.

At least she didn’t wee on me. That’s a positive.

She is attractive, but brown rice and pop tarts, chamomile tea and economy vodka? Thats a car crash of a shopping basket.

You should just get a van. With a van, it’s like you’ve got an MBA, but you’ve also got a fucking van. You’re not just a man anymore – you’re a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.

What should I do after i’ve pissed myself? Fuck myself? Eat myself?

He brings the insufferable music and then leaves. He’s like the 1980s.

So that’s the way it is? Let’s just put a zip here, a swastika there. Who knows what these things once stood for? Who the hell even cares?

No smoke without fire? Is that what 1000 years of British Judicial Law has come down to? No smoke without fire?!

So, a candle stuck in a wine bottle apparently doesn’t cut it anymore. Now for a special night you have to have Class-A drugs and… fisting.

So great that Dobby’s agreed to move in. Just gotta close the deal. Get her into the flat and keep her locked down like Fritzl. No, not like Fritzl, like a nice normal loving guy who knows where she is at all times. Which at no point would be locked in the cellar.

That’s it, turn the music down! You can stop smoking your drugs, I’m making tea and toast for Sophie and I’m putting on Radio 4 – everything’s normal! I’m not really high on drugs, so you can stop talking your nonsense on my time.

She’s ignoring me. Of course she’s ignoring me, this morning I sent her a bloody swastika.

It’s not who you know… It’s who you blow.

Look, Mark, this is important to me. If we’re going anywhere, I need you to tell me that you believe in crystal skulls.

I love you, too. (It’s okay, everyone says it. I say I love Häagen-Dazs and my broadband provider, and I like Sophie more than them. In most respects.)

Oh fiddlesticks. Of course, I’m having a baby. Great, I’ll probably drop it or it’ll grow up and write a bitter memoir about how distant I was.

Sophie is the one. Toni is Russia: Vast, mysterious, unconquerable. Sophie is Poland: Manageable… won’t put up too much of a fight.

Well I guess I’ve just been very lucky. Money’s an energy and lots of it has always flowed towards me. Particularly after my parents died.

Loss adjustment. I could do that. My entire life has been one continual adjustment to loss.

This is good. This is like watching a porno, except I can’t see anything, I haven’t got a hard-on, and I want to cry.

A new boiler. Surely the least enjoyable way to spend a thousand pounds. At leas throwing the money out of the window you’d see the scrabbling mass, the hate-filled faces. I have spent a cool grand on acquiring the resumption of an equitable temperature.

I’m having an orgasm against my will! Oh God, she’s stolen sex off me!

Yes, I suppose the news should just be a dispassionate list of all the events that have occurred the world over during the day, that’d be good – except it would take forever.

Is this a terrible idea? It can’t be. It’s in a film. They wouldn’t put a terrible idea in a film, they’d get sued.

For the worst thing that could possibly happen, this is actually going extremely well.

Maybe I should send her a bit of ear. Or a finger. Just to show I’m really serious.

Brown for first course, white for pudding. Brown’s savoury, white’s the treat. Of course I’m the one who’s laughing because I actually love brown toast.

Naughty, you’ve combined metric and imperial, you might get an interdenominational… you know, from mixing the two measurement systems, a hangover of that kind. (Just stay mute, Mark. You’re a social freak. Remain in your compound.)

Oh God, I think I love her. I think I’m falling in love… or getting a bone-on, which is basically the same thing when you get rid of all the Valentine cards and bullshit.

God, it’s so easy being a freak – no wonder they’re ten a penny.

I’m so pathetic that as soon as you ordered me to piss myself I started the procedure. This is what you’ve done, you’ve ground down my sense of self-worth over the years. I hope you’re proud.

I’m the Wolf of Wall Street – look out Boots, I’m going to buy a hundred meal deals and eat them off a prozzy in the nude!

So what if I don’t really love her. Charles didn’t really love Diana and they were alright. Sort of.

Floss is boss, floss is boss.

God, I’m running away! This is brilliant! Maybe I’ll go to KFC and have a whole bargain bucket! Or join Al Qaeda!

God! I only asked her to be a hooker. It’s not like I wanted her to work in telesales.

I like you. Is that such a crime? Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth, just for liking you? I like you, and if you can’t handle it, you can just, you know, fuck off.

Listen, Jeremy, you don’t seem to understand. Nothing you want is ever going to happen.

This is a fantastic evening. I’ve become a military historian and Jeremy’s future happiness rests in my hands…And I’ve got a tiramisu. This is fucking amazing!

If I don’t think about it, there’s always a chance it didn’t happen.

What, really? Heartbreak tuna? Just bin it. I mean, not literally, there’s no need to be overly dramatic. Freeze it. I’ll see how I feel in six months.

Oh relax. “Oh I’m Mark, I’m in the eighties, I’m dying of heroin in a puddle in the corner in an advert.” Drugs are fine, Mark, everyone agrees now. Drugs are what happen to people and that’s fine, so shut up.

I’ll be able to order him around. Not horrible, just… Jeremy, could you file this for me? Jeremy, could you take that for me? Jeremy could you suck this for me?… Jesus! Where did that come from?

Frosties are just Cornflakes for people who can’t face reality.

I’ll tell you what, that crack is really moreish.

Love life may be a rather grandiose term for staring at women on the bus.

Now I know, Liz, there’s no proof for Jesus, but then there’s no proof for lots of things like science or the stock market and… we believe in them. Look, what I’m trying to say is that if I was dying and I decided that even though I’d never particularly been into say, uh… Enya before, but that now I really really was into Enya and that in fact I thought Enya was great and that Enya died for our sins and I wanted an Enya themed funeral with pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of… Enya. Then I think it would be a bit bloody rich for my sister to ban all mention of Enya from my funeral! Yeah?

I’m marrying her, what more does she want?I could say he’s got a… fat head. Call him a jizz-cock. It’s not actually an insult, all cocks are jizz-cocks really; bit like calling him a piss-kidney.

This was definitely a good idea. There’s no chance this wasn’t a good idea.

Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world.

Walking into the jaws of death. Got to go past Sophie’s desk. What I am going to say? Please save me, Jesus – I’ll believe in you if you save me now… The other way! She’s looking the other way! Thank you, Jesus! Although it was fifty-fifty which way she’d be looking – might need a bit more to start believing.

Look at them, all the Christians. It’s not fair. I could be that happy if I believed a lot of rubbish.

– Zahra says we have only one thing to fear and that’s fear itself. It’s a clever saying, isn’t it?
– What about losing all your money? Or shitting yourself in public? Or the tabloid press mistakenly outing you as a paedo? Or Alzheimer’s? Or all those things plus you’re drowning?

This is great! Why was I anxious? I’m in my element. Older people are still people. They’re just people who think when they open a new window on the computer the previous window has disappeared for good.

Twenty thousand pounds! I’m going to be a millionaire!

Jesus, what’s that man doing? I should do something. If decent people like me do nothing, then what? Then they’ll come for the trade unionists- although that, to be honest, wouldn’t really bother me too much.

Please don’t touch my floppy cock.

Mark, we’re in the middle of the road. You’re going to get us killed for the sake of your legacy. Stop it! You’re not fucking Blair!

The Big Beat Manifesto goes “Big Beats are the best, Get high all the time”.

She’s taken my sperm. And sperm is like lending someone less than a fiver, you can’t really ask for it back.

There’s probably much less to worry about with gay sex. I mean, you know where you are with a cock.

Great call. Flirty but friendly, didn’t overstep the mark. I could show Sophie the transcript. Maybe I should start taping my phone calls. No, Mark, that’s how they got Nixon!

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