You've been dumped? Who cares - your ego is far more important anyway
From the sensitively articulated ‘I’m just not looking for a relationship’ to the gut-wrenching ‘I’ve met someone else,’ break-up clichés are never music to the ears. Sure, he might have spun a great line about his busy work schedule, but a part of you knows the cold, hard truth. He’s not into you. And he’d rather drink a bowl of regurgitated cat dribble than see you naked again.
Luckily we girls are resilient folk, who can style out the most brutal of relationship catastrophes. So if you’re in the midst of an angry, stair-stomping, penis-size bashing break-up, we’ve got some tips to help you ride out the storm- and keep your ego intact.
…If you secretly hated him but he got there first
He was weird and your friends thought he was creepy. His feet smelt like rotting cheese. He once tried to convince you to shove a banana up your foofy when he was drunk. Frankly, he was a bit disgusting. But for some reason, you stayed in this sour relationship too long and now he’s taken the first bite of the dumping donut. Yelling “I hate you and I don’t want to put phallic-shaped fruits into my vadge canal ANYWAY” *might* come across as churlish. So instead, calmly tell him you think it’s for the best and you should stay friends. (He doesn’t have to know you mean the sort of friends who don’t see or speak to each other ever again.)
…If you think you might choke to death on tears
That wretched, sick-stomached heartbreak is the most difficult to style out. Mostly because it’s hard to do anything stylish when every surface in your home is drenched in tears and little blobs of snot. In this darkest of situations, when a YouTube video of a baby panda sneezing can’t raise a smile, don’t try to be cool or brave. Don’t say ‘yea let’s be friends’ or post 300 ‘so happy to be single’ side boob shots on Facebook. Just find a friend to sob on, eat some cake and ask someone to look after your phone. When you’re in the depths of despair, keeping technology to a minimum is definitely a bonus. You might be happily cruising Mr Beefy Arms on Tinder now, but three glasses of wine in and you’ll be in danger of tweeting song lyrics.
…If he was a total tosspot
He meant to tell you it was over before you got home. But it’s hard to speak when your head is wedged between another woman’s thighs. If his break up behaviour’s been less than ideal, you’re perfectly entitled to feel all the bad things. Unfortunately, ever since that whole dead bunny incident on Fatal Attraction, women haven’t had the best reputation for revenge techniques. You’re meant to dry your tears, have fun and get all Beyonce on his ass at Karaoke. In reality, there’s nothing wrong with a few months of quiet seething and resentment. Just steer clear of social media and try not to set fire to his car. (Nothing says ‘dry spell’ like a criminal record.) And if you really can’t live without a little revenge, you can always have a word with his mum. BURN, Cheater Boy. BURN.
Know any better ways to deal with a breakup? Tweet us @marieclaireuk