This is what really happened on the BAFTAs red carpet

As in literally, ‘cos we were there

Thespians rejoice! The BAFTAs 2017 have arrived, and being the British institution that the annual awards are, it was only right that we were there, on the red carpet, to see the highs and Celsius lows (5°C but it felt like 2°C) in real time.

So, before you engage in reading some ‘fake news’ re the BAFTAs, here’s a running commentary on what actually happened on the red carpet, at the Royal Albert Hall…

Where was Ryan Gosling?

Seriously, WTF was he doing? At these types of events, all press and photographers are issued with a booklet pre-red carpet, listing all of the ‘faces’ that are meant to be in attendance on the night. Yes, spoiler alert, people who work in ‘The Industry’ don’t always know who everyone else in ‘The Industry’ is.

‘Who’s that small one with the suit on…?’

‘Meryl Streep, mate’.

That was a conversation that actually happened. Anyway, Ryan was on the list and was meant to appear. However he did not turn up. Emma Stone made the effort, mind.

Emily Blunt and John Krasinski are just as good IRL

As one of the few legitimately funny A-list actresses, I was worried Emily might disappoint… She didn’t. She even laughed ON the BAFTAs red carpet – a potentially risky move in these troubled times. Imagine if the photographers captured emotion on camera? IMAGINE. Anyway, John snuck round the back of the red carpet and surprised Emily because they are funny like that. It was cute.

Kate Middleton is not human

Watching Kate move is like watching a Thoroughbred glide through water. I like to think that she wanted to stop and let everyone breathe-in her dress for a few minutes (she wore Alexander McQueen, naturally), but Wills was having none of it and walked with purpose right past the photographer’s pit.

Glitter hoovers are more important than Stephen Fry

If you’re the type of luxurious person who has carpeted flooring in your home, which is pretty much every type of person, you’ll appreciate the amount of debris they pick up. Thank god then for ‘The Carpet People’. Their high spec GLITTER HOOVERS sucked tirelessly to rid the carpet of unsightly, non-A-list items. This was my personal highlight.

It was cold

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