Should you settle for Mr Second Best?

It's better to settle for Mr 8 out of 10 at 30 than gambling for Mr 10 out of 10 who might never arrive and then ending up with Mr 5 out of 10 at 40!
Comment by AB on January 26 12:54

I am totally amazed that in this day and age when we as women are encouraged to strive for the best career wise and educationally that we are now being told by some woman who obviously has lost all of the passion in her life that we should settle! Why? Do men ever settle?! This means that all of the OK men get the best from a woman without being on the same level emotionally or physically- I don't think they need another excuse to be lazy in a relationship. I wonder if Lori will be passing this pattern down to her son and if it would be a different story if she had a daughter? This is probably the saddest thing I have ever heard and to quote a friend earlier, 'if you're not happy alone, you will never really be happy with anybody else'.
Comment by lauren on January 26 12:54

I agree with her. I think that women these days expect absolute perfection from a man and are lead to believe that they should only marry a George Clooney look-a-like who adores kids, is the perfect gentleman, has a massive bank balance, can cook like Gordon Ramsey, can make love for hours on end, is the funniest man around, has no qualms with doing the housework and will whisk you off on romantic mini breaks or give you a foot massge every night without you even having to drop a hint. And I think some women don't even realise how high their expectations actually are.

I have plenty of friends who complain about not having a boyfriend yet nitpick at every nice guy to come along and dismiss them without even giving them a chance, purely because they do not live up to their ridiculously high expectations.

I think Lori probably makes it sound a bit more drab than it actually is, but giving a perfectly nice guy a chance isn't settling for someone 'sub-par,' you can still have a loving, fulfilling and even an exciting and passionate relationship with Mr Average Joe Bloggs if you both commit to it. Relationships need work to survive and last, I think a lot of women forget that these days and expect it to be a walk in the park.
Comment by Jade on January 26 13:02

What about how the man feels? If the shoe were on the other foot, wouldn't you be devastated if you realised your husband 'had settled' for you? Surely it would be obvious, I just don't think it could work long-term. I don't think a marriage has a future if this is how it begins.
Comment by S on January 26 13:03

Well I became single at 29. I left a long term relationship because I was not happy and it's the best thing I have ever done. I don't think you should settle for anyone, the chemistry has to be there. I do believe that there is someone for everyone out there, just for some it takes a little longer to find that person. Just be open minded, go on dates and have fun. If you send out positive signals then positive people come to you. If you become all depressed about it, then it's quite likely you won't attract the right person. Just have fun!
Comment by NBC on January 26 13:18

How funny - I had a conversation on this topic recently with my bf. It suddenly occured to me whether my single friends (approaching 40) and women in general are too "greedy" - we want all this is a man, looks and personality, and yet can we match our demands with offering them the same? We moan about dates with receding hair line and no personality and we're piling on the pounds and make up to mask the wrinkles?! I can see the difference in personality and approach of friends who have settled down and those who have been single for years. It really sounds unfair but age will almost always count against a woman. A forty year old man will still go for a 30 year old woman and not a woman his age (if given the choice) that's from my bf's perspective!
Comment by WT on January 26 13:29

I definitely say settle! If marriage at any cost is your be all and end all. By all means, settle for some guy you don't really love. Then, when he cottons on that you're some kind of desperado marriage idealist who doesn't really love him or you realise that you would rather be alone than with someone you don't love, you can settle it in the divorce courts too, potentially, if you're really lucky, breaking up a family too.
Why this desperate need to get married or to define someone so greatly by their relationship status? Tania, case in point - why should she have to justify her relationship status to nosey parties who cannot 'deal' with her singledom? And what of this so called perfect man? I've watched plenty crap chick flicks and I certainly don't subscribe to this vision of 'Mr Pefect'. Who are the woman watching these films/reading these books and taking them as a reality? And who, indeed, is 'Mr Average'? There's no such thing. One man's trash is another man's treasure and all that. I say, if you find your treasure, grab him and expect to work at it.
Comment by L-Ro on January 26 13:33

Do NOT settle for just anyone !!!! I had a 'career head' on me all my working life and so I had no wish to settle down at all (babies though were never part of my equation either)and now at the age of 46 have only just met someone that I can invisage a life with going forward.
But there is nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who loves you to death and you just don't feel as deeply for them.
Whilst you can more or less guarantee they won't stray or be unfaithful, it can leave you feeling 'adrift' if your feelings don't match up in the same depth.

I have been very happy all the times I was single as I knew deep down that the relationships I have kissed goodbye to over the years weren't right for one reason or another and there is no point wishing you had held on in there just for the sake of being part of a couple. You will end up unhappy - and wanting to be single again !
Comment by judephf on January 26 13:34

I do think that settling for Mr Good Enough is good advice. The idea of looking for 'the one' is usually unrealistic and too demanding of the people involved. Even if you do find 'the one' he usually turns into Mr Good Enough after a couple of years of getting used to you when he eventually reveals that he did think farting was clever after all ...
Comment by Davina on January 26 14:25

I married at 30 to my perfect man, marriage lasted 23 happy years, now divorced, but are good friends, and now have found at the age of 48an even more perfect man, would never have believed if someone had told me this would happen, so take your time, it will come to you.
Comment by lolly on January 26 16:04

I remain undecided. At 26 I got engaged to a perfectly nice man, who would have made a reasonable partner and father, but with whom the spark had gone and I retrospectively wonder if I would eventually have strayed out of boredom, had we have wed. At 30 I met "the one", and within 10 months we were engaged and had the dream wedding planned. Our relationship was as close to perfection as one could be, yet 10 weeks before the wedding my ex-fiancee walked out giving no explanation or good reason. As it turns out "the one" has left me heartbroken and knowing I will never trust again. All I can say is that holding out on "the one" doesn't necessarily guarantee happiness even if you find them. I am now 32 and have no idea which marriage would have been the bigger mistake.
Comment by Tazzy on January 26 17:30

I didn't get married until 2 years ago aged 36 and I am glad that I waited because I am with someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't think it matters how old you are or whether you are married or not, the most important thing is to be happy with the choices you make. I would not settle for just anyone. I am worth more than that and if that means never settling down then maybe life has something different in store!
Comment by Andrena on January 26 18:25

I am 30, single and my clock is ticking and it does worry me. BUT I would have a child alone if I had to and would rather wait for a happy, fulfilling relationship than just take anything that comes along.

What is the point in settling for someone just to get divorced a few years down the line?

Comment by Ali on January 26 19:29

I am approaching 36 and I lead a full, fun and happy life most of the time. Like everyone else, I come across challenges. I only feel like I have missed out sometimes when people make hurtful comments about me being a spinster or on the shelf - usually smug married or coupled up people (and who knows what is going on in their partnership? Why the need to see other people squirm?) I would like to meet a great guy (because I am worth it), but I don't mind either way about babies. If I wanted companionship, an average guy would do, but then I have male friends who can fulfil that role. If I want passion and love and sex as well as friendship, then only the best guys will do. Yes, I said guys plural!
Comment by Ruby on January 26 19:58

The "ideal" man you marry now may still not turn out to be the "ideal" husband or father 10 years down the line. I thought I married the love of my life but people change and if either of you do not want to work at your relationship, you will still end up alone in your forties (in my case) after 18 years of marriage. I have known over 10 women being left on their own in their forties, some with kids only just the last couple of years (including myself). It has nothing to do with settling with Mr. Good Enough or "The one".

On the other hand I have 2 close girlfriends who never had the urge to settle down until they passed their mid-forties and now they are happily married and have their soulmates. Were they holding out for Mr. Right? Not intentionally. They just never panicked or desparate to get married.

Don't forget, when you thought you were marrying your "Mr. Ideal" in your 30's or before, he may not find you to be his "Mrs. Ideal" after 10 years because they never knew what loving someone was all about until they grow up in their 40s. Most men go through their "midlife" crisis in their forties. The key is to work hard at what you have got and treasured it to make it last. Who is to say whether you have married "the one" or not. He may become "the one" for you in time even if he was not in the beginning. It is dangerous to set out with a preconceived idea of either "holding out for the one" or settling for Mr. Good Enough. It does not work like that in life!


Comment by Margaret on January 27 04:02

Here I am at 35 trying to keep together a relationship that doesn't tick all the boxes, but this is just like all the other ones I have had. I have been engaged twice before when I was young and had lots of other fun on the way. Maybe this is the one but I will not 'settle' if one day I think it is not right. I never think it is ok to make yourself unhappy for the sake of how it looks to others, or for the other partner. You have every right to choose for yourself if you are happy or not.

I do agree that we have some sort of ideal in our heads, and yes the guys we see on a night out are tall dark and rather gorgeous but aren't they that to all the other girls too. My guy may not be tall, but he is handsome, lovely, funny, sweet, caring and one of the most thoughtful guys I have ever met. All this with a great sex life means that it does (most of the time) make it easier to forget the stupid/unthoughtful things that happen. But we are all the same, we have our faults and these have to be talked about.

Don't kid yourself that 'the one' is there if you think you have a lovely guy that you can stay with for as long as it lasts. I am a realist, if it's meant to be forever it will be but I have yet to find that feeling but I am hoping that I have it right this time.

Good luck ladies xx

As Mae West says "Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella."


Comment by Moiza on February 01 16:18

I think its worth waiting till u met the right person. I was engaged for five years to a man I thought I loved, but realised I had stronger feelings for women and never looked back. Its not wierd to accept you can enjoy being with a woman more than a man. I'm happier than ever and I know its right for me. I have found my true soulmate and it just so happens to be a lovely lady not a lovely man. My family say that they noticed how much more happier I am now, and it shows everywhere I go. Happier person = more fulfillment ...and I still love reading marie claire - that hasn't changed.
Comment by Amelia on February 03 13:00