A is for... AUSTRIA. Ze most amazing place in Europe. Ve’re all proud of our country und are raised to try und achieve ze Austrian dream – find a job, get a dungeon und raise a family in it.
B is for... BULIMIA. Still to me ze number one eating disorder if you want a great body. Ich vas in fact ze first Austrian to have bulimia, it vas 1987 – three years before Diana. No big deal votever.
C is for... CHINESE. Zere’s like over 500 billion of zem, yet zey don’t have one single model amongst them – vy is zat?
D is for... DESIGNERS. Fashion is ze most important und lifesaving of all ze sciences. Vood World War II ever have started if zere’d been a Berlin Fashion Veek in 1939? Ich don’t think so.
E is for... EIGHTY. About ze right number of hats to pack for a veekend avay.
F is for... FLORIAN. He’s mein godson, ich just vanted to mention him cos he makes me so proud. He’s only five, but Brüno has already taught him how to read, write und make himself throw up.
G is for... GIANT PANDA. Vot a beautiful, beautiful creature. A vord of vorning, though, its fur is not machine vashable.
H is for... HIGH-VAISTED JEANS. In terms of human tragedy on a mass scale, vy are zese not getting the attention zat Hurricane Katrina did?
I is for... INJUSTICE. Vy do zey give out Nobel Prizes for physics, medicine und svimming, but not for fashion?
J is for... JACOBS, MARC. Not just a fashion designer, but alzo an important œ Œ vorld leader und beacon of hope for ze future of mankind. Not one suicide bomber has ever blown zemselves up vearing Marc Jacobs – you do ze mathematisher.
K is for... KAMPF, MEIN . Ze fashion bible written by Austria’s black sheep, Adolf. It literally translates as ‘My Flamboyance’.
L is for... ZE ‘LITTLE BLACK CHILD’. Thanks to Madonna und Brüno, it’s zis season’s vardrobe essential.
M is for... MR UNIVERSE. Ich helped Arnie vin zis for his final time in 1984. Ich met him at ze vay-in vere he was just over ze weight limit und needed to lose two ounces in seven minutes. Ich vas only too happy to help out.
N is for... NAOMI. She’s amazing – 20 years in ze business und all ze pressure und fame hasn’t changed her a bit – she’s remained a total bitch.
O is for... ORLANDO BLOOM . He’s basically obsessed mit me. I don’t vant to use ze word stalker, but ven ich vas at Milan Fashion Veek I stayed at ze Hotel Malecci. Guess who checked in to ze same hotel two hours later… Orlando Bloom. Coincidence? Ich don’t think so.
P is for... PINK . Just vatching him now on MTV. A great singer, great fashion sense und so hunky!
Q is for... QUEEN OF FASHION. Zis, of course, can only be Anna Vintour. Still timelessly dignified, stylish and feminine, despite being in her fifties und a pre-op trannie.
R is for... RUNWAY MODEL. Can you believe zis, I’ve never been one!
S is for... SEPTEMBER 11TH 2001. Famous, of course, for being ze day on vich Oscar de la Renta reintroduced ze chambray peasant blouse.
T is for... TAMPONS. Ze perfect thing to snack on to keep zose hunger pangs avay und stay looking great. Just one heavy flow size vill leave you feeling full up for ze whole day.
U is for... UNDERVEAR. Try not to go mit out it too often or you’ll end up having to play hackysack mit your kugels just to keep zem off ze ground. Personally, ich just leave off mein unterhosen for appropriate occasions, like if I’m going to ze beach, or if I’m vearing a kilt und zere’s a chance ich vill be photographed getting out of a car.
V is for... VAXING. Hair removal und manscaping ist essential. Be careful if you do it yourself, though – yesterday ich tried to self-wax mein arschenhaller und glued meinself to ze bed. Even more important ist regular anal bleaching. In Austria, anal bleaching ist considered so important zat it’s paid for by ze state. In fact, you cannot run for office if you don’t have a vhite arschwitz. Zere are other benefits to getting ze bleaching – on my last session ze beautician, Klaus, found the long-lost head of a David Beckham action figure up zere.
W is for... WINEHOUSE, AMY. Ich bin sick of all ze haters – she is not too skinny, in fact, for ein junkie she ist actually zehr fat.
X is for... X-RAY PHOTOGRAPHS. Ich still look too fat!
Y is for... YOGURT. Peach flavour tastes best on ze vay back up.
Z is for... ZERO. Brüno’s dress size.
Brüno is on release from 10 July.