Ridiculous Stuff People Put On Wedding Lists That They Will Never Use

Getting married can turn even the most sensible women into Hyacinth Bucket

1) Brandy warmer

This handy beverage accompaniment will be used primarily by the groom and his male friends once the ladies have withdrawn from the dinner table for tea in the adjoining room to talk about the watercolour techniques they learned in finishing school in Switzerland and a very exciting new cut of cloth – oh no wait hang on it’s not 1912. 

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 7/10

2) Fondue kit

More likely to appear on a wedding list if the bride and groom visit John Lewis fresh off the plane from Val Thorens. This will become the thing you swear at every time you need to reach past it to grab a pan.

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 4/10

3) Napkin rings

Napkins? OK. Napkin rings? Probably not if you’re honest with yourself, unless you’re prone to fits of Hyacinth Bucket.

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 10/10

4) Oyster knife

You know, for all those times you spend shucking oysters at home…

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 5/10

5) Bone china tea sets you have to hand wash

You chose these with grand visions of all those fancy tea parties you supposed all married women must have. Now that you’re actually married, you just use the mugs like before.

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 9/10

6) A cake stand

Also file under ‘bone china tea sets’ as something that seemed like a perfectly lovely thing to own at the time, but which you will probably use once for a friend’s baby shower and which is a complete ar*e to store. 

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 9/10

7) Cold meat fork

I guarantee you will not remember to pull this out every time someone produces a platter of cold meats. You’ll just use a fork, which is basically the same but with more prongs. 

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 8/10

8) Decorative boxes with no specific use

‘Handy for keeping things in! Married people have stuff to keep in fancy boxes, don’t they?’ 

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 7/10

9) Silly-shaped decanters that are impossible to wash

Decant one bottle of red wine into this and you’ll spend the next ten years trying to wash water spots out of that little wiggly bit which you can’t reach with a cloth. Also – let’s be honest – you mostly just pour it straight from the bottle because it seems to taste the same and what do you actually know about wine?

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 7/10

10) Pestle and mortar

Disclaimer: this writer happens to have two friends who actually use theirs a lot, but these friends happen to be real foodies who cook fancy things all the time. If you’re not, you probably don’t need one. 

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 4/10

11) Fancy wine glasses you can’t fit in the dishwasher

You know the really fine, long-stemmed fishbowl ones? You’ll probably still use these, but after a dinner party they’ll also sit next to the sink for three weeks because you can’t be bothered to wash them up.

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 5/10

12) Champagne opener

Really? Just use your hand. 

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 6/10

13) Fancy gravy boat 

You’ll probably just use a standard jug to put gravy in every time you have a roast. 

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 10/10

14) A bee hive

According to John Lewis this was the most-requested wedding list item of 2015. We wonder how many bees actually benefitted from this…

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 3/10

15) Cigar humidor 

This is where your fiancé briefly believes he’s Ron Burgundy and quietly adds this ‘Mancessory’ to the list when you’re not looking. 

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 8/10

16) Hour glass egg timer

What is this 1647? Just use the clock on your phone. 

Hyacinth Bucket rating: 6/10

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