The Big Debate: Mistresses

well none of this happened to me, although we have been through hell my 'married man' and me are together and very happy. I left my husband for him because i was unhappy and he left his wife because he was. You don't look for something else if you are happy. My partner is devoted to his children so much so guilt kept him with them for a long time and yes we have both been through hell. But we are the exception and I nor he are not the lowest of the low because we fell in love with each other. Why stay with a partner you do not love out of guilt, because of what other people would think?? We are not 'good girls gone bad' we are nice normal people people who fall in love. If he hadn't wanted me then he wouldn't be with me.

Comment by nita on November 13 19:51

I read the article that Bibi wrote and it was a welcome eye opener,i spent 10 years with a married man as his mistress and become the subject of his games and stories,the lies and manipulative ways.it took me 10 years to escape and i reched a point where i tried to take my own life as a rersult of the misery that he put me through.This article was so right and so truthful,it is nice to feel that i am not the only one who has been in this world.It has taken me 4 long,hard months to fight back and it is still hard there are times when i have thought about relenting but no,it is about me and i will still keep fighting to reclaim the last 10 years of my life that he took.
Comment by Julia on November 15 12:18

I started seeing who I thought was a single man back in Jan 2004. In October 2005 as it became obvious that things were becoming serious, he decided to tell me that he had a girlfriend who he lived with and she had a 7 year old child as well. He was happy with everything apart from their sex life – that’d be where I came in. I was extremely upset and felt deceived yet I made the decision to continue seeing him. My thoughts were that he was the one doing the cheating and the lying, and I hated him for that but I’d fallen in love through no fault of my own with a taken man.
Eventually those thoughts had moved to the back of my mind, and he was spending 4 evenings a week with me – going home as late as 1.30am each night. In the beginning it suited me fine to have my weekends to myself, but eventually it all became a bit too much, and something which had started out as a f*** buddy had somehow gotten way out of control.
On the one hand we holidayed in Spain for a week, met up after work for drinks and dinner, went to concerts, he had persuaded me to try for a baby with him! but eventually for me it wasn’t enough. I told him the relationship wasn’t working for me and there was no future. 5 years and the man had never managed to remembered my birthday even though it was 6 days after his, but he’d always managed to call me on his partners birthday which was 2 days later!
In the beginning he was my perfect man but as time went on I looked at him with loathing. He was everything I detested in a friend/boyfriend (and in his heart he knew it too) – he was a cheat, and a bloody good one at that. In Jan 2009 I considered whether I should continue wasting my time on this man who would never be mine, and I no longer wanted him anymore – so I stopped calling/texting and made the decision to stop seeing him. It took him 6 weeks to notice! And since then he’s been pestering me like crazy, telling me he loves me – strange type of love.
Just out of interest I ‘googled’ him the other day and found he’s joined up to some of those dodgy ‘dating’ sites – Perhaps I was a little late in making my decision but better late than never.
For anyone even thinking about becoming the other woman – DON’T!!!

Comment by Karen on November 15 21:49

This article could have been written by me. Everything rings true init, even the description of him, the way it happened, even the amount of times they had sex.

I too told myself it was ok because I was't the married one, I wasn't doing anything wrong. Whats amazing is the total lack of guilt I felt and even though I ended it because it was the right thing to do (& my self preservation too kicked in) I still don't feel guilt. What this article has made me realise is that I wasn't special, it wasn't different, there are no excuses, no blaming it on fate, on needing to know..........what this article has done has assured me I made the right decision, maybe for the wrong reasons but the right decision non the less.
Comment by J on November 18 12:33

I am currently having an affair with a married man. He was my tutor while I was at uni. He has finished with me numerous times but continues to contact me daily and comes back after a few weeks. I think about him 24/7, the sex is great, he is one of the closest people in my life and the most attractive person I have ever met. We speak countless times a day, he says he loves me and I am special, beautiful etc...but won't leave his wife and children. It has been going on for a year now and his wife has no idea!! How can you be with someone for so long and not know what they are up to behind his back? Please offer advice not judgement...
Comment by A on November 21 22:45

The writer of this article said that she only had sex with this guy three times. Now I wouldn't really say that's 'mistress' behavior. To me, the idea of being a 'mistress' involves long regular affairs (not a few shags over a couple of months).

I expected to hear more juice! I know I certainly have had this experience - sleeping with people when I've been with someone myself or when they have had girlfriends/wives. And it certainly was more extensive than three occasions of sex with a horrible man.

The people who I've slept with who had a partner at the time were gracious, and certainly didn't leave ten pound notes on the dressing table in the morning. She needs to stop feeling like a sad sack for three sexual acts and realise that there are women out there that have had more extensive relationships with married men.
Comment by Jo on November 24 22:50

This article hit exactly me where it hurt...my conscience and my heart. I can identify with everything that Bibi wrote about. I regard myself as a fair, honest, moral and slightly naive(!) person. Brought with catholic values, beleiving all relationships should be valued and honoured. Infidelity, is poor excuse of a sign of repsect...or so I thought. To deliberately hurt someone is not in me. Yet I find myself in a situation where I am potentially 'The other women', so I am hurting somebody, yet I can't quite figure out what to do. I met a gorgeous, charismatic, utterly charming man who turns me on in every way. He is fantastic. On meeting we clicked, there was a whole of attraction on both parts both physically and mentally. The poor guy,(10yrs older than me, I'm in my early 30's), had been messed around in previous relationships and was now single. I had been messed around and was the end stage of recovery from a very broken heart. The only problem was the distance between us, we lived at opposite ends of the country. But we said we could overcome it. We kept in more or less daily contact and arranged a weekend away, somewhere neutral. It was great, there were a few 'odd' things said and done but maybe that was my paranoia?. We parted with promise of being reunited again a few weeks later. In that time apart my paranoia escalated, aided by his almost 9-5 contact, infrequent evening/weekend contact and phone frequently turned off!. It didn't take much effort to confirm what I had been thinking. He was of course, the most fantastic husband and father, infact 'perfect' according to his wife. I went through the emotions of anger and hurt. Once confronted he denied it but then came clean. There were issues in the relationship which was over he said. Contact improved and yet again I was smitten. He talked me into a weekend away, to talk things over, explain and hopefully move forward. The story was plausible, his behaviour lovely, the promise of wanting a future with me and all the logistics of it considered.I even met some friends. Surely not the sign of a married man...? I don't know. There are 2 sides to this, why would he risk his marriage and children to be with me on the few occasions we've managed. Yet I know the distance makes it much easier for him, I'm not an immediate threat to his domestic set up. But, the bit that hurts me the most, I am ignoring my 'gut', I'm taking the crumbs thrown at me, my self esteem is so low I'm accepting it because his contact brings me excitement and maybe some drama. Presently, he's adamant he can be my man...I'd love that, I'm just not sure his wife would.
Comment by slm on November 26 10:33

At the tender age of 19, I too have joined the many women and men of infidelities. Unfortunately my ending was nothing like Bibi's. Instead of ending it between the two of us, my man 'T' and I were caught red-handed by his wife when she found a receipt for condoms in his back pocket while doing laundry. A woman whom I've never met or even knew the name of until the night he called to tell me the bad news, had entered my life. She had asked 'T' for my first and last name, and phone number. We had been seeing eachother for about seven months and I was head over heels, knowing full well that he left every weekend to go home to his wife and three, yes three children (two of which were twins born one month after us meeting eachother). Like Bibi he had literally taken my breath away after walking into the lounge that I was working at. That same night we shared our first kiss, the next night he told me he was married but didnt want things to change between us. I fell, and fell hard. After his wife found out she had called my mother. Yes! My mother, whose house I did not even live in anymore, and told her of my part in an affair. I am fully aware, ashamed, embarrassed, sorry and broken about what I had done to this family. I do not speak to 'T' anymore but without lies I would love to see him again and miss him dearly. Our affair was not just about sex, it was something more. I pictured myself with 'T' years from now, happy. I was wrong, very wrong. Never will I forgive myself to screwing up completely, and never will I forget my first love. I wish his wife and children nothing but happiness and hope that whatever the outcome is of my mistake that they are Okay.
Comment by Taylor on December 29 00:10

I can't believe that i am even giving my feedback about this story. Before i was myself involved in a similar relation i disliked girls or women having such an affair. It was unacceptable and i couldn't understand why women could do this to themselves until one morning i found myself making incredible love to a man 17 years older than me who was in a distance relation and i was aware of that and still got in a relation with him.
Bibi did nothing wrong, we are just humans and this kind of relation to me is just a beautiful sin. :)
Comment by Marcela on January 08 11:01

My thoughts and feelings were brought to life in Bibi's article. I understand completely the circumstances that can lead to such a thing. My own story began when an ex I had been totally in love with, and never really recovered from, returned to my life. He seemed so excited and pleased to see me. He told me he was seeing someone but wanted to see me. At no time did he indicate the relationship was serious. He would come to my house around once every three weeks and cling to me as if he never wanted to leave. With hindsight I should have suspected something was not right but I convinced myself he was just taking his time to find the right moment to end it with the other woman. Where love is concerned, blindness to circumstances prevails. This went on for 6 months at which time I ran into his mother who told me he had got married 3 months previously. Needless to say I was speechless, incredibly hurt, angry at his deceit. For someone who I believed to be good, true and honest, I couldn't beleive he had behaved in this manner. On confronting him it turned out that the woman he had been seeing had fallen pregnant 3 months after meeting him. He said he was very unhappy about this as children were not in his plan for his future. He said that he had to take his responsibility and that marriage had been his way of digging himself out of the hole. Meanwhile, digging himself a deeper hole by becoming involved with me again. He says I am his weakness - whatever that means.

I cannot excuse the way I behaved, welcoming him back - what woman wouldn't when the love of their life returns. And I still don't regret it. He also spoke of his regret at leaving me and what a lovely person he thinks I am.

I understand Bibi's ease at dismissing the guilt, I felt none simply because for a brief moment in time I had what I wanted again.
Comment by C on March 07 20:24