12 Soul-Destroying Things You Only Know If You Do Internet Dating

Will we one day look back at the dating practices of the 21st century at laugh? Because we aren't laughing now...

When internet dating shed its formerly taboo reputation circa 2010, there was a certain level of hype – and dare we say glamour – attached to this new-found way of flirting. Need a date in an hour? Just log on. Looking for no strings sex? Easy. Thanks to Tinder, POF, Happn and the rest, we are now living in a world where selecting our next partner is as easy as ordering a lamb balti. But what with recent studies suggesting that the rise in STDs in the UK lies with dating apps, perhaps glamour is now a commodity in fairly short supply.

Here are 12 things you know only if you’ve voluntarily put yourself through the excruciating process of internet dating. And if you haven’t yet, why not give it a go with our round-up of the best online dating sites?

1. You still expect chivalry and flattery in equal measure

When internet dating, of course you want to be contacted first, and then followed up with a series of funny, insightful messages increasing in wit and charm each time. But you still want to exercise your feminist right to cut the other person off when asked for ‘a saucy bum pic ;)’ or a ‘cheeky photo’ **insert dry retch here.**

internet dating britney

2. There’s an online hierarchy
Tier one is chatting via the internet dating platform, tier two is when you elevate things to WhatsApp level, and tier three is the mythical real-life meet which no man shall ever ever progress to unless he is possession of a great beard and unparalleled knowledge of top Thai restaurants.

internet dating heirachy

3. Your phone contacts are a dating minefield
Around 4% of guys on your apps are promoted to Tier Two Level, and these encounters need to be kept track of. ‘Hot Happn James’ and ‘Dickpic Dave’ are real people – in the digital dating sphere, anyway.


4. Your Freudian analysis of profile pictures never lets you down…

Smiling too much? He may be unhinged. All group shots? Insecure. You might sound harsh but you’re always right.

5. You’ve spent countless hours labouring over your own perfect profile shot
Science says pouting = more attention online. Science never fails us so get that duck face ready when you’re dabbling in online dating if you don’t want to die alone.

6. You have been catfished once
It could happen to anyone, that’s what your flatmate said.


7. Great grammar + full sentences = marriage material

Ohhhh, you can formulate a sentence with words containing more than three syllables and you’re emoji-intuitive? Excuse me whilst I deactivate all 17 of my other profiles and pick out my wedding dress.

8. Online dating = social media stalking
Once you’ve got that location and last name there’s sure as hell no stopping your stalking, and you’re onto LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook and Instagram like the cyber-sleuth you were born to be -‘cos you need to vet them before the whole marriage thing, obvs.

9. You’ll still lie about where you met your date
There’s apparently only three ways to meet a partner these days (wtf?) and you’re deffs NOT sticking to the truth.

10. You’ll be able to tell the difference between breeds of tiger
Tigers of Tinder are everywhere, as are the men who believe a stag do in Bangkok constitutes as ‘travelling’ (it does not).


11. You’ll come around to the idea of sexting

If you were confined by social convention in that you had actually met these people or had a serious chance of meeting them – you might not send that x-rated Snapchat/text/photo. But that’s the beauty of internet dating… Isn’t it?

 

12. Things always come full circle
What is it with all the men from your internet dating history who contact you 19 months after you first matched asking ‘how you’ve been?’ It must be that great photo new photo you uploaded, and if the date-faucet has run dry, you might just start responding again…


What do you love most about online dating, is it the tigers? Tweet us and let us know…

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