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Q

I find myself sleeping with men before I get to know them properly. Although it feels great when I’m in the midst of passion, I sometimes feel used afterwards. Is indulging my sexual urges stopping me from having serious relationships?
Marie Claire reader

A

All relationships have to start somewhere and if sex on a first date really precluded the possibility of a proper relationship, then I, for one, would not be married.

If you meet a guy who ticks all the right boxes, delaying intimacy is nothing more than calculated masochism. While there is a lot to be said for building up the level of anticipation by waiting a while, physical intimacy and getting to know someone are not mutually exclusive. Pillow talk is often more revealing than banter exchanged over dinner and, let’s face it, if you are going to have a relationship with a guy, you need to know that you are physically as well as mentally compatible.

If you were male you wouldn’t worry about indulging your urges, but double standards mean that women who don’t want to be branded ‘easy’ feel they have to tip-toe through several dates before they give it up.

In 21st-century Britain the old adage that a man who ‘really respects you’ will wait as long as it takes is nonsense. While a couple who get to know each other in their 70s may happily wait that long, most testosterone-fuelled 27-year-olds would not.

Try to keep things in perspective. You don’t feel lonely because you have had one-night stands – you feel lonely because you have not found your soulmate yet.

Don’t become fixed on looking for Mr Right. As long as you stay sober and safe (50 per cent of women who have sex on a first date don’t use a condom), you can go about finding the right relationship for you any way you damn well want.

More about the expert...

Suzi Godson

Author of The Sex Book, Suzi also acts as the sex and relationship expert at The Times.